WASHINGTON, D.C. - Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) arrived at the Capitol on Friday after undergoing an experimental spine removal surgery. “The surgery was a stunning success,” said the Texas senator and only heap of ground meat to have read Green Eggs and Ham on the floor of the Senate.
When asked if the surgery eased his endorsement this week of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, Cruz remarked, “Donald and I have certainly had disagreements in the past, but they’ve dissolved now. Now, we need to unite and focus on defeating Hillary Clinton.. And who knows? Maybe my dad did kill JFK. He never told me he didn’t. ”
This aside, many analysts barely noticed Cruz’s new look. “He looks like an oily…gelatinous…meatloaf,” said Jeffrey Toobin of CNN before realizing he was looking at a picture of Cruz before the surgery.
Cruz seems to be happy with his new lack of shape, which pundits suggest has been a powerful way of standing up to Michelle Obama’s media presence. In another statement to the press, he insisted, “Now, I’m like an adorable, servile puppy dog. The kids want to pet me.”
“Aww, it’s cute when he thinks people like him,” said fellow Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) as she petted Cruz. Puppy-blob Senator Cruz immediately growled and tried to bite Senator Warren’s hand, but she withdrew just in time for Senator Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) to spray Cruz with water.
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The snake is reportedly cash-green and vaguely slimy-looking, with an Apple watch still attached to its body.
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He was also spotted with a few of his Lit Hum books in his backpack, a clear indication he is planning to study those too, like a massive dork.
“We engage with ideas from all over the world; Italy, Germany, France, England, New England…How could anyone still think that way after such an education?”
“Because I have integrity, because I have principles, I won’t be selling out anytime soon,” said a triumphant Emerson. “I’ll be out there in the trenches, living in a dumpy apartment in Queens.”
“Jeffrey has shown that through determination, kindness, and avoiding all conversations about abortion and military action, General Studies students can fit right in here,” said a school representative.
“I want to be forthright. Yes, as Dining Director of John Jay, I made a deal with Big Bean, just like Ferris signed exclusivity agreements with Inedible Broccoli and Lukewarm Yogurt,” he said in a statement.
“Three weeks went by, and not a word from anyone. Just yesterday I received an email from President Bollinger telling me to ‘keep up the great work!’”, said Columbia Housing Executive Director Joyce Jackson.