WASHINGTON, D.C. - Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) arrived at the Capitol on Friday after undergoing an experimental spine removal surgery. “The surgery was a stunning success,” said the Texas senator and only heap of ground meat to have read Green Eggs and Ham on the floor of the Senate.
When asked if the surgery eased his endorsement this week of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, Cruz remarked, “Donald and I have certainly had disagreements in the past, but they’ve dissolved now. Now, we need to unite and focus on defeating Hillary Clinton.. And who knows? Maybe my dad did kill JFK. He never told me he didn’t. ”
This aside, many analysts barely noticed Cruz’s new look. “He looks like an oily…gelatinous…meatloaf,” said Jeffrey Toobin of CNN before realizing he was looking at a picture of Cruz before the surgery.
Cruz seems to be happy with his new lack of shape, which pundits suggest has been a powerful way of standing up to Michelle Obama’s media presence. In another statement to the press, he insisted, “Now, I’m like an adorable, servile puppy dog. The kids want to pet me.”
“Aww, it’s cute when he thinks people like him,” said fellow Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) as she petted Cruz. Puppy-blob Senator Cruz immediately growled and tried to bite Senator Warren’s hand, but she withdrew just in time for Senator Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) to spray Cruz with water.
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For too long the bourgeois registrar has had its boot on the neck of the genteel undergrad, mandating that students “attend their classes,” lest they “fail” them and run the “risk” of “delaying” their “graduation”.
He did decide to leave a number of his ties at home, packing only twenty-four.
“I remember watching them prance toward the elevator, ready to chug six Voda shots and pass out behind a kitchen counter, and thinking, ‘I made this happen.’”
“From the way he interrupted the professor repeatedly, I could tell that he had, on multiple occasions, slipped a knife into another man’s neck without remorse.”
“Our studies have shown that over 84% of freshman boys assume they will walk right into a vagina their first night on campus, even if they are wearing Crocs and socks,” said an advisor at the student life department.
“As University President, I require ample space for Columbia’s mission to grow, and for me to spread out at night and read the Audi owner’s manual.”
“For some reason, students seemed dissatisfied with our nonexistent appointment times, emotionally unavailable staff, and imposing bureaucratic system.”
“Going to school in Manhattan guarantees a jam-packed schedule of posing for group pictures, spending $300 on bottle service, and Juuling on the Le Bain terrace.”