WASHINGTON, D.C. - Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) arrived at the Capitol on Friday after undergoing an experimental spine removal surgery. “The surgery was a stunning success,” said the Texas senator and only heap of ground meat to have read Green Eggs and Ham on the floor of the Senate.
When asked if the surgery eased his endorsement this week of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, Cruz remarked, “Donald and I have certainly had disagreements in the past, but they’ve dissolved now. Now, we need to unite and focus on defeating Hillary Clinton.. And who knows? Maybe my dad did kill JFK. He never told me he didn’t. ”
This aside, many analysts barely noticed Cruz’s new look. “He looks like an oily…gelatinous…meatloaf,” said Jeffrey Toobin of CNN before realizing he was looking at a picture of Cruz before the surgery.
Cruz seems to be happy with his new lack of shape, which pundits suggest has been a powerful way of standing up to Michelle Obama’s media presence. In another statement to the press, he insisted, “Now, I’m like an adorable, servile puppy dog. The kids want to pet me.”
“Aww, it’s cute when he thinks people like him,” said fellow Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) as she petted Cruz. Puppy-blob Senator Cruz immediately growled and tried to bite Senator Warren’s hand, but she withdrew just in time for Senator Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) to spray Cruz with water.
IN OTHER NEWS
"With asexuality, you're essentially calling yourself your own boss. Good for freelancers and executives, though less effective for those looking to get in at the ground level of a major corporation, where most of the work will likely be collaborative."
“What the hell am I supposed to tell people…‘I'm from the Northeast'? Like I’m just gonna lump Rhode Island in there too? Jesus Christ.”
"As of press time, a full four minutes after class was supposed to end, Timmons was seen transitioning into an involved monologue about the finer points of Thucydides’ sexuality."
"At first I thought it was strange that he seemed to be tuning the piano, which seemed to be in working condition; but real Hell broke loose when we realized the doors were locked."
"It’s time for us to start including people from all walks of life: Kyle's, Anderson's, maybe even a Quinn if we’re feeling adventurous. Literally just one person that isn’t named Dylan. That’d be ill.”
"We looked into each other’s eyes, and then we both knew, just like that. It felt so natural. It was a really special moment.”
"President Bollinger has already announced a rare Monday holiday to commemorate the student's brave achievement."
"Items found at the scene included a copy of Walter Benjamin’s Illuminations, 15 pairs of rose-colored sunglasses, five inflatable palm trees (deflated), three Pax vaporizers, and a bust of David."
"Gutierrez is currently accepting students for his four-hour seminar entitled 'How to Intersperse Sophisticated Words to Augment Your Intellectual Comportment.' It takes place on Sunday, October 14th from 2–5 p.m. in the Carman basement lounge."