WASHINGTON, D.C. - Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) arrived at the Capitol on Friday after undergoing an experimental spine removal surgery. “The surgery was a stunning success,” said the Texas senator and only heap of ground meat to have read Green Eggs and Ham on the floor of the Senate.
When asked if the surgery eased his endorsement this week of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, Cruz remarked, “Donald and I have certainly had disagreements in the past, but they’ve dissolved now. Now, we need to unite and focus on defeating Hillary Clinton.. And who knows? Maybe my dad did kill JFK. He never told me he didn’t. ”
This aside, many analysts barely noticed Cruz’s new look. “He looks like an oily…gelatinous…meatloaf,” said Jeffrey Toobin of CNN before realizing he was looking at a picture of Cruz before the surgery.
Cruz seems to be happy with his new lack of shape, which pundits suggest has been a powerful way of standing up to Michelle Obama’s media presence. In another statement to the press, he insisted, “Now, I’m like an adorable, servile puppy dog. The kids want to pet me.”
“Aww, it’s cute when he thinks people like him,” said fellow Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) as she petted Cruz. Puppy-blob Senator Cruz immediately growled and tried to bite Senator Warren’s hand, but she withdrew just in time for Senator Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) to spray Cruz with water.
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She is distraught that Joey has not responded to her calls for weeks about his care package and that nice girl from Bacchanal.
You can’t be emasculated by this guy. He’s got a ponytail, 1970s aviator glasses, and pink socks under his L. L. Bean boots.
Sixth Floor: PART OF THE COLUMBIA CS CLUB
Seventh Floor: PROFOUND AND EVERLASTING LONELINESS
Eighth Floor: WRITES FOR SPEC
For your reference, a good rule of thumb for networking is that, if Mo Bamba played in the background for 75% of our conversation, I probably don’t intend to strike up a professional relationship.
“Now, the dipshit’s gone and pissed off Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with the Thousand Young,” Core professor Ricardo Hernandez said.
In his concluding remarks, Bollinger made a surprising revelation: “I have been notified by my ancestors that all lands previously inhabited by the Lenape people have been granted to me, personally.”
Otis Wofford, CC ’22, expressed his discontent with the decision. “Women, men and gender non-conforming folks being a part of the same institution? The social justice warriors are out of control.”
At first we thought our challenges wouldn’t be insurmountable. We thought that with discipline, resolve, and a heavy dose of hard work, Spec would persevere.
But then came the op-eds.
“I’m told at one point, the quiz registered full attendance while only twelve students were in the room,” police chief Marcellus Johnson explained. “Something had to be done.”