WASHINGTON, D.C. - Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) arrived at the Capitol on Friday after undergoing an experimental spine removal surgery. “The surgery was a stunning success,” said the Texas senator and only heap of ground meat to have read Green Eggs and Ham on the floor of the Senate.
When asked if the surgery eased his endorsement this week of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, Cruz remarked, “Donald and I have certainly had disagreements in the past, but they’ve dissolved now. Now, we need to unite and focus on defeating Hillary Clinton.. And who knows? Maybe my dad did kill JFK. He never told me he didn’t. ”
This aside, many analysts barely noticed Cruz’s new look. “He looks like an oily…gelatinous…meatloaf,” said Jeffrey Toobin of CNN before realizing he was looking at a picture of Cruz before the surgery.
Cruz seems to be happy with his new lack of shape, which pundits suggest has been a powerful way of standing up to Michelle Obama’s media presence. In another statement to the press, he insisted, “Now, I’m like an adorable, servile puppy dog. The kids want to pet me.”
“Aww, it’s cute when he thinks people like him,” said fellow Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) as she petted Cruz. Puppy-blob Senator Cruz immediately growled and tried to bite Senator Warren’s hand, but she withdrew just in time for Senator Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) to spray Cruz with water.
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"President Lee Bollinger cited the organization’s 'lack of transparency' and 'ethics concerns' as incongruous with the university’s vision."
“We water the soil with broken dreams, fertilize it with internship offers, and voila, out they come.”
1. Stimulate James McShane to near ecstasy at the mere mention of “theft alert.”
Learn a thing or two from the Fed's wisest.
"Usually we let the admissions process grind them up and spit them out, but we had to step in here."
"Columbia must have been his safety school. Anyone with a dick that nice applied to Harvard early.”
"To all the students emailing me to 'talk about the class,' just drop it. I’m not interested."
"Approach the first hot girl you see, taking the shortest path possible—use Dijkstra’s algorithm here if necessary."