NEW YORK - Seeing their accomplished fellow dominate national media this summer, plastic objects across the country have taken Melania Trump's inspiring story to heart. "Melania's fame has lifted the aspirations of a generation of imported goods," said a Chinese-manufactured travel mug working the shelf at a Midtown Starbucks. "She is an emblem of the American Dream for the billions of non-biodegradables who come to this country every year."
Plastic materials, which have long been denied the rights and opportunities cherished by all Americans, have new hope that their post-recycling offspring will enjoy a better product life cycle than they had. "She made me realize my potential," said a storage bin at the Chelsea Container Store. “I know I’ll have to work tough jobs for years to come. But maybe one day, I too will handle the president’s junk.”
However, Melania’s heartening rise has done little to allay many plastics’ fear of planned obsolescence. “Donald keeps tossing away old models after a few years,” a homeless iPhone 4 case complained. “I don’t know why he always has to have the newest one.”
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Joe began to laugh. “Who is Willy Valentini? Only the Dean of Columbia, the mad genius who keeps this whole place running!"
"After all, he was pretty sure that they have the exact same nutritional content as regular cucumbers. Probably right? Doesn't matter."
According to witnesses, the last words he uttered before chugging his sixth Bud Light and stumbling out the door were, “Imma bout to send it.”
"In the absence of any real personality, our midwestern students sometimes struggle to find their niche on campus, and must resort to misguidedly boasting about their native climate."
"All this time I was talking about rabbis, but he was thinking about priests?”
"I’ve always been torn between my love of Gertrude Stein and weirdly shaped plants. But now I don’t have to be.”
"There were at least 90 virgins in that room, so I do feel like I got some decent value.”
"I’ve never introduced myself without explicitly mentioning it: 'He/Him/His, Columbia College, Burbank, California.'"
"This way, students can rest assured that even if that misdiagnosed strep throat becomes fatal, their souls will be preserved in eternal light."