NEW YORK - Seeing their accomplished fellow dominate national media this summer, plastic objects across the country have taken Melania Trump's inspiring story to heart. "Melania's fame has lifted the aspirations of a generation of imported goods," said a Chinese-manufactured travel mug working the shelf at a Midtown Starbucks. "She is an emblem of the American Dream for the billions of non-biodegradables who come to this country every year."
Plastic materials, which have long been denied the rights and opportunities cherished by all Americans, have new hope that their post-recycling offspring will enjoy a better product life cycle than they had. "She made me realize my potential," said a storage bin at the Chelsea Container Store. “I know I’ll have to work tough jobs for years to come. But maybe one day, I too will handle the president’s junk.”
However, Melania’s heartening rise has done little to allay many plastics’ fear of planned obsolescence. “Donald keeps tossing away old models after a few years,” a homeless iPhone 4 case complained. “I don’t know why he always has to have the newest one.”
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The news has been met with excitement from Columbia students, especially given that Beto acts as one of few pieces of living evidence that the Columbia Men’s Rowing Team can, in fact, produce a principled member of society.
Professors in the Columbia Department of Economics confirmed that according to their research, the only product that can be morally consumed under our current economic system is the asshole of an acquaintance.
“Got a sock,” said Montás in disbelief. “President threw it, and Montás caught it, and Montás—Montás is free.”
“I probably should have known something was up when I entered and didn’t even check in with a human, just a slimy iPad from 2008.”
“We’re going all out to ensure that every sad boi finds his sad non-gendered partner this Valentine’s Day.”
If this journey has taught me anything, it is that I mustn't change who I am to find love with a future Goldman Sachs managing director. Instead, I must transfer to Barnard. Maybe then I’ll have a better shot.
“I’m an ally. I’m trying to create a better brand for this movement, one that better complies with established grammar rules.”
The snake is reportedly cash-green and vaguely slimy-looking, with an Apple watch still attached to its body.
“Robin was such a grinder,” said his roommate Tag Eisenhower CC’ 20. “For as long as I knew him he would put his body through absolute hell simply because he didn’t possess a single shred of planning or basic organization.”