NEW YORK - Seeing their accomplished fellow dominate national media this summer, plastic objects across the country have taken Melania Trump's inspiring story to heart. "Melania's fame has lifted the aspirations of a generation of imported goods," said a Chinese-manufactured travel mug working the shelf at a Midtown Starbucks. "She is an emblem of the American Dream for the billions of non-biodegradables who come to this country every year."
Plastic materials, which have long been denied the rights and opportunities cherished by all Americans, have new hope that their post-recycling offspring will enjoy a better product life cycle than they had. "She made me realize my potential," said a storage bin at the Chelsea Container Store. “I know I’ll have to work tough jobs for years to come. But maybe one day, I too will handle the president’s junk.”
However, Melania’s heartening rise has done little to allay many plastics’ fear of planned obsolescence. “Donald keeps tossing away old models after a few years,” a homeless iPhone 4 case complained. “I don’t know why he always has to have the newest one.”
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“Going to school in Manhattan guarantees a jam-packed schedule of posing for group pictures, spending $300 on bottle service, and Juuling on the Le Bain terrace.”
“I know it’s totally quirky to like a film star from the fifties, but Audrey is just such a fashion icon.”
“You mean I can get a degree for talking about kicking it with the boys, crushing a few brews, maybe even hitting the gym?”
“Listen, there’s only like four openings left in the job market in this country, and I’m not getting left behind because I didn’t do enough resume optimization.”
“The union representative also strongly urged the purchase of 2-liters of Coca-Cola, Sierra Mist, and Hi-C Tropical Punch for each party.”
“A second location is already being planned atop the heap of Fleetwood Mac CD’s forming 100 yards away.”
“What are we going to do about it? Well, first of all, stay out of the tunnels. We cannot stress enough how horny these Super Bats are.”
A Fed article by Sappho.