NEW YORK - Seeing their accomplished fellow dominate national media this summer, plastic objects across the country have taken Melania Trump's inspiring story to heart. "Melania's fame has lifted the aspirations of a generation of imported goods," said a Chinese-manufactured travel mug working the shelf at a Midtown Starbucks. "She is an emblem of the American Dream for the billions of non-biodegradables who come to this country every year."
Plastic materials, which have long been denied the rights and opportunities cherished by all Americans, have new hope that their post-recycling offspring will enjoy a better product life cycle than they had. "She made me realize my potential," said a storage bin at the Chelsea Container Store. “I know I’ll have to work tough jobs for years to come. But maybe one day, I too will handle the president’s junk.”
However, Melania’s heartening rise has done little to allay many plastics’ fear of planned obsolescence. “Donald keeps tossing away old models after a few years,” a homeless iPhone 4 case complained. “I don’t know why he always has to have the newest one.”
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"The complete eradication of the farm, totaled at 227 ants, was initially attributed to the 13 days the package spent on a poorly ventilated, sunless shelf in Wien, during which time Michaels reportedly attempted to muster up the testicular fortitude to interact with the package staffer."
"President Lee Bollinger cited the organization’s 'lack of transparency' and 'ethics concerns' as incongruous with the university’s vision."
“We water the soil with broken dreams, fertilize it with internship offers, and voila, out they come.”
1. Stimulate James McShane to near ecstasy at the mere mention of “theft alert.”
Learn a thing or two from the Fed's wisest.
"Usually we let the admissions process grind them up and spit them out, but we had to step in here."
"Columbia must have been his safety school. Anyone with a dick that nice applied to Harvard early.”
"To all the students emailing me to 'talk about the class,' just drop it. I’m not interested."
"Approach the first hot girl you see, taking the shortest path possible—use Dijkstra’s algorithm here if necessary."