NEW YORK - The country was rocked late Monday morning by the news that Chelsea bombing suspect Ahmed Khan Rahami had already been arrested, mere hours after millions received notifications to be on the lookout for him. The capture proved challenging for the many Americans who had counted on the manhunt to provide a little bit of excitement throughout their day. “The damn thing is over and I haven’t even had my second cup of coffee yet,” complained party supply store manager Roberta Marsh. “I was hoping that it would at least go on for a full day, so I could speculate about his whereabouts with my husband over dinner.”
For the many Americans who experienced a small jolt of adrenaline leaving their homes this morning with a terror suspect on the loose, notification of Mr. Rahami’s capture was met with an exasperated sigh. “It was just so exciting, you know. He could have been anywhere! Could he have been lurking at Dunkin Donuts? Maybe he’d hand me my Big ‘N Toasted© at the drive-thru. Why not? But now that he’s in custody, I guess it’s back to the grind,” said millions of Americans in unison.
The news has hit the west coast particularly hard, as residents who checked their phones upon waking had their hopes for a saga of suspense and action raised by the initial notification of the manhunt, only to be immediately dashed upon reading the next notification of his capture. “I mean come on, 'manhunt'? What other word gets your blood pumping as much as ‘MANHUNT’? They should have at least stretched the thing out until primetime.”
New York City Mayor Bill De Blasio took to the radio to apologize for the abbreviated pursuit. “Look, I get it. It would have been a blast to have a Tsarnaev-style car chase, with a last-ditch gun battle behind a dumpster. And gosh would it have been great to show off the cool new NYPD tactical response gear in action. But this is New York, and we’ve got more important stuff to deal with. Those stocks aren’t going to trade themselves.”