RUGGLES HALL - Josh Goldsmith CC ‘18 shook his head as he peered down at the mysterious envelope he received in the mail. “I’m not entirely sure what this is, but I think it’s a Netflix bill,” said the future Goldman Sachs analyst, scrutinizing his account charges. “I can’t even tell how much they’re asking for.”
Goldsmith was confused when, checking his mailbox for the first time in five months, he found the small paper parcel emblazoned with a Netflix logo. “Why don’t they just send me this stuff online? Then I could just forward it to my parents,” Goldsmith complained. “I guess I could send this up to Westchester, too, except I’m not entirely sure how that works.”
When told that he could send the video streaming company a check enclosed in the return envelope, Goldsmith looked mystified. “I’ll just ask my roommate for his password."
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"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"
"Jeez, I bet I look pretty ridiculous right about now."
"Many believe that Michael Phelps would have brought home even more hardware had he not been injured in an attack orchestrated by Tonya Harding’s ex-husband Jeff Gillooly."
"Coach, I get the game plan. When can we go out there and get this thing going?"
"As of press time, the research team reported they had gotten 'blitzed' off of $7 vodka and had just purchased tickets to a Dave Matthews reunion tour show."
“Honestly, after spending twenty minutes trying to find the Allen wrench I dropped under the couch, I’ve realized he was a terrible father."
6. My younger brother.
4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.