ST. LUKE’S - At about 4:36 PM on Thursday, a student in Rachel Slater’s Lit Hum class savagely “reinforced patriarchal norms” with a privilege-ridden contribution to the class discussion of the Iliad. Slater, CC ’20, immediately knew something was wrong. Her skin began to itch. Her throat tightened. She was overwhelmed by dizziness. Slater barely had time to remind her classmate that he is an “entitled sexist” before she slipped out of consciousness.
Rushed to St. Luke’s, Slater pulled through the night. Doctors found a dangerous level of chauvinism in her system, forcing them to pump her stomach.
Slater spent the night in the intensive care ward, recovering from the near-fatal academic accident. Finally strong enough to return to classes, she told the Federalist that she would take precautions to safeguard her health in the future: “From now on, I’ll have to sleep through every Lit Hum class."
IN OTHER NEWS
4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.
"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"
"Just what I need to deliver an understated, disinterested broadcast."
"I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut."
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.