ST. LUKE’S - At about 4:36 PM on Thursday, a student in Rachel Slater’s Lit Hum class savagely “reinforced patriarchal norms” with a privilege-ridden contribution to the class discussion of the Iliad. Slater, CC ’20, immediately knew something was wrong. Her skin began to itch. Her throat tightened. She was overwhelmed by dizziness. Slater barely had time to remind her classmate that he is an “entitled sexist” before she slipped out of consciousness.
Rushed to St. Luke’s, Slater pulled through the night. Doctors found a dangerous level of chauvinism in her system, forcing them to pump her stomach.
Slater spent the night in the intensive care ward, recovering from the near-fatal academic accident. Finally strong enough to return to classes, she told the Federalist that she would take precautions to safeguard her health in the future: “From now on, I’ll have to sleep through every Lit Hum class."
IN OTHER NEWS
“When my friends reference the song, I just laugh and pretend like I get it."
“I’ve done a lot of research and all the movies show that fat shaming is the most effective way to make those little bastards lose a few pounds.”
"If only Trump and Muslim refugees could sit down at the negotiating table and enjoy a bowl of Pizza Twist Macaroni..."
"I didn’t choose to want to fuck Paul Ryan. It’s just the way I am."
"Governor Reuben won a landslide victory to become the state’s first Toasted-American governor."
The study found that "no genitalia" also discouraged intercourse.
"Without a trigger warning, we have no way of knowing when a British journalist is about to have his guts spilled out onto the desert floor."
"Past tweets included personal attacks on Washington officials, celebrities, and random citizens from Indiana..."