Spotting his waiter approaching with a steaming salmon fillet, local man Curtis Glauss, 31, frantically rearranged his table to accommodate the new dish.
“I was caught completely off guard,” Glauss recalled. “My unfinished jalapeno poppers were right in front of me, and when I tried to shove them towards the middle of the table, the bread basket got in the way. I had been playing with sugar packets and now they lay askew all over the right side of the table. There was no time to move them.”
Glauss identified the poppers as the primary occupier of space, and in a last ditch effort, placed them precariously atop the bread basket. His glass of Coke Zero was moved diagonally to the near left corner of the table, occupying the same zone as the salt and pepper, thus allowing for a one-and-a-half foot radius in which his salmon could be placed.
As of press time, the salmon had touched down safely on the table.
IN OTHER NEWS
She is distraught that Joey has not responded to her calls for weeks about his care package and that nice girl from Bacchanal.
You can’t be emasculated by this guy. He’s got a ponytail, 1970s aviator glasses, and pink socks under his L. L. Bean boots.
Sixth Floor: PART OF THE COLUMBIA CS CLUB
Seventh Floor: PROFOUND AND EVERLASTING LONELINESS
Eighth Floor: WRITES FOR SPEC
For your reference, a good rule of thumb for networking is that, if Mo Bamba played in the background for 75% of our conversation, I probably don’t intend to strike up a professional relationship.
“Now, the dipshit’s gone and pissed off Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with the Thousand Young,” Core professor Ricardo Hernandez said.
In his concluding remarks, Bollinger made a surprising revelation: “I have been notified by my ancestors that all lands previously inhabited by the Lenape people have been granted to me, personally.”
Otis Wofford, CC ’22, expressed his discontent with the decision. “Women, men and gender non-conforming folks being a part of the same institution? The social justice warriors are out of control.”
At first we thought our challenges wouldn’t be insurmountable. We thought that with discipline, resolve, and a heavy dose of hard work, Spec would persevere.
But then came the op-eds.
“I’m told at one point, the quiz registered full attendance while only twelve students were in the room,” police chief Marcellus Johnson explained. “Something had to be done.”