Spotting his waiter approaching with a steaming salmon fillet, local man Curtis Glauss, 31, frantically rearranged his table to accommodate the new dish.
“I was caught completely off guard,” Glauss recalled. “My unfinished jalapeno poppers were right in front of me, and when I tried to shove them towards the middle of the table, the bread basket got in the way. I had been playing with sugar packets and now they lay askew all over the right side of the table. There was no time to move them.”
Glauss identified the poppers as the primary occupier of space, and in a last ditch effort, placed them precariously atop the bread basket. His glass of Coke Zero was moved diagonally to the near left corner of the table, occupying the same zone as the salt and pepper, thus allowing for a one-and-a-half foot radius in which his salmon could be placed.
As of press time, the salmon had touched down safely on the table.
IN OTHER NEWS
For too long the bourgeois registrar has had its boot on the neck of the genteel undergrad, mandating that students “attend their classes,” lest they “fail” them and run the “risk” of “delaying” their “graduation”.
He did decide to leave a number of his ties at home, packing only twenty-four.
“I remember watching them prance toward the elevator, ready to chug six Voda shots and pass out behind a kitchen counter, and thinking, ‘I made this happen.’”
“From the way he interrupted the professor repeatedly, I could tell that he had, on multiple occasions, slipped a knife into another man’s neck without remorse.”
“Our studies have shown that over 84% of freshman boys assume they will walk right into a vagina their first night on campus, even if they are wearing Crocs and socks,” said an advisor at the student life department.
“As University President, I require ample space for Columbia’s mission to grow, and for me to spread out at night and read the Audi owner’s manual.”
“For some reason, students seemed dissatisfied with our nonexistent appointment times, emotionally unavailable staff, and imposing bureaucratic system.”
“Going to school in Manhattan guarantees a jam-packed schedule of posing for group pictures, spending $300 on bottle service, and Juuling on the Le Bain terrace.”