Inspired by backup quarterback Colin Kaepernick’s protest against discriminatory policing, Columbia backup quarterback Anders Hongcastner CC ‘17 plans to kneel during Saturday’s game to protest a different cause: tampons.
“I’m just fed up,” said Hongcastner. “People hear ‘Roar Lion Roar’ and equate it with school spirit and victory over Columbia’s opponents. But people forget that the Columbia administration is an oppressive regime, refusing to provide free tampons and sanitary napkins to students in need.”
Many of Hongcastner’s teammates are supportive of his decision, but do not plan to kneel with their (backup) leader. “Don’t get me wrong, [Columbia President Lee] Bollinger has menstrual blood all over his hands. But “Roar Lion Roar” is meant to be a chant of unity, one that all Columbia students regard as representing everything that makes this school great... like the Hudson valley... and Knickerbockers,” said Jermichael Christenson, backup linebacker for the Lions.
Others felt that while the message was correct, Hongcastner was the wrong person to deliver it. “Look at him, he only has half the X chromosomes needed to be a woman. If someone is going to protest this obscene policy, it should be someone who is fully X chromosomed,” said Ashley Thames, captain of the cheerleading team, who said she plans to squat during ‘Roar Lion Roar” in a show of reluctant half-solidarity.
IN OTHER NEWS
4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.
"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"
"Just what I need to deliver an understated, disinterested broadcast."
"I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut."
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.