FRAT ROW - A convening of the bros on Columbia’s campus has concluded that you can’t just walk in here with dat fat a$$ and not throw them a trigger warning first.
“It’s simply common courtesy to warn unsuspecting civilians when they are about to receive a shock,” Anthony Revita ‘17 said. “Just a week ago, I was sitting with my bros, grinding up a frosty little nug, and some biddy walked in with a donk that just about stopped my heart. I couldn’t breathe, I felt light-headed, I needed to excuse myself from the room.”
Revita added, “You’d just think that at a progressive school like Columbia they’d do everything possible to make all students feel comfortable. But nah, those PAWGs are just everywhere, man. Everywhere.”
Trigger warnings are typically reserved for content that is deemed potentially offensive or provocative to certain groups. Revita argues that heterosexual men are certainly in a similar situation. “Bro, I can’t be constantly prepared to get a hard-on. You know how much of a burden a boner is? You gotta tuck that shit into the waistline of your pants and walk around like it’s no big deal. We’re not asking for much,” Revita related. “All we want is a simple ‘Suh dude, I got a booty that’s coming your way.’”
At press time, the legion of bros was heard tossing around an idea for a space that was safe from “bomb-ass titties.”
IN OTHER NEWS
"That's a really gracious offer, and I do appreciate it -- but for the time being, I will have to pass."
"I've been good this week, and I should treat myself," said Freddy Simone, 25, after seven days spent doing the bare minimum at his job.
Mr. Ducovich was unfazed by the water; he removed his “Grill Master” t-shirt, and eagerly waded to the pool’s deep end. “Kids, don’t listen to your mother, it’s actually really refreshing,” he said.
“We realized no grocer in the nation gives customers the choice of whether to bid or buy now, which made us think: ‘Why not let people enter bidding wars for that last dry Lo Mein under the heating lamp?’”
"Not saying I wanted the full sabotage apparatus, but a few measly articles about Obama’s forged birth certificate would have really come in handy when Sarah Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper.”
"If you have the border wall, you already have the two countries. Problem solved."
President Trump discreetly spat gum into his paper, before crumpling it and stuffing it in the Wall.
"Let me bury my secrets deep inside that expensive leather man-bag you keep strapped to your lanky midwestern frame."