FRAT ROW - A convening of the bros on Columbia’s campus has concluded that you can’t just walk in here with dat fat a$$ and not throw them a trigger warning first.
“It’s simply common courtesy to warn unsuspecting civilians when they are about to receive a shock,” Anthony Revita ‘17 said. “Just a week ago, I was sitting with my bros, grinding up a frosty little nug, and some biddy walked in with a donk that just about stopped my heart. I couldn’t breathe, I felt light-headed, I needed to excuse myself from the room.”
Revita added, “You’d just think that at a progressive school like Columbia they’d do everything possible to make all students feel comfortable. But nah, those PAWGs are just everywhere, man. Everywhere.”
Trigger warnings are typically reserved for content that is deemed potentially offensive or provocative to certain groups. Revita argues that heterosexual men are certainly in a similar situation. “Bro, I can’t be constantly prepared to get a hard-on. You know how much of a burden a boner is? You gotta tuck that shit into the waistline of your pants and walk around like it’s no big deal. We’re not asking for much,” Revita related. “All we want is a simple ‘Suh dude, I got a booty that’s coming your way.’”
At press time, the legion of bros was heard tossing around an idea for a space that was safe from “bomb-ass titties.”
IN OTHER NEWS
“When my friends reference the song, I just laugh and pretend like I get it."
“I’ve done a lot of research and all the movies show that fat shaming is the most effective way to make those little bastards lose a few pounds.”
"If only Trump and Muslim refugees could sit down at the negotiating table and enjoy a bowl of Pizza Twist Macaroni..."
"I didn’t choose to want to fuck Paul Ryan. It’s just the way I am."
"Governor Reuben won a landslide victory to become the state’s first Toasted-American governor."
The study found that "no genitalia" also discouraged intercourse.
"Without a trigger warning, we have no way of knowing when a British journalist is about to have his guts spilled out onto the desert floor."
"Past tweets included personal attacks on Washington officials, celebrities, and random citizens from Indiana..."