Only four days into NSOP, the Class of 2021 has already zeroed in on a small group of freshmen who could potentially become “That Guy.”
“Right now, there are definitely a few candidates who are sticking out,” Wyatt Grinchell CC ‘21 said. “there’s that one dude who rides a Ripstik everywhere, and there’s that kid who keeps eating his food in a fucking tree.”
“Oh, and I’ve also heard talk of a sleeper candidate,” Grinchell continued, “who apparently repeatedly plays air guitar and sings ‘Love Shack’ by the B-52’s. If the rumors are true, that would truly be something special.”
IN OTHER NEWS
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.
"That's a really gracious offer, and I do appreciate it -- but for the time being, I will have to pass."
"I've been good this week, and I should treat myself," said Freddy Simone, 25, after seven days spent doing the bare minimum at his job.
Mr. Ducovich was unfazed by the water; he removed his “Grill Master” t-shirt, and eagerly waded to the pool’s deep end. “Kids, don’t listen to your mother, it’s actually really refreshing,” he said.
“We realized no grocer in the nation gives customers the choice of whether to bid or buy now, which made us think: ‘Why not let people enter bidding wars for that last dry Lo Mein under the heating lamp?’”