Only four days into NSOP, the Class of 2021 has already zeroed in on a small group of freshmen who could potentially become “That Guy.”
“Right now, there are definitely a few candidates who are sticking out,” Wyatt Grinchell CC ‘21 said. “there’s that one dude who rides a Ripstik everywhere, and there’s that kid who keeps eating his food in a fucking tree.”
“Oh, and I’ve also heard talk of a sleeper candidate,” Grinchell continued, “who apparently repeatedly plays air guitar and sings ‘Love Shack’ by the B-52’s. If the rumors are true, that would truly be something special.”
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"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"
"Jeez, I bet I look pretty ridiculous right about now."
"Many believe that Michael Phelps would have brought home even more hardware had he not been injured in an attack orchestrated by Tonya Harding’s ex-husband Jeff Gillooly."
"Coach, I get the game plan. When can we go out there and get this thing going?"
"As of press time, the research team reported they had gotten 'blitzed' off of $7 vodka and had just purchased tickets to a Dave Matthews reunion tour show."
“Honestly, after spending twenty minutes trying to find the Allen wrench I dropped under the couch, I’ve realized he was a terrible father."
6. My younger brother.
4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.