Only two days into NSOP, the Class of 2020 has already zeroed in on a small group of freshmen who could potentially become “That Guy.”
“Right now, there are definitely a few candidates who are sticking out,” Wyatt Grinchell CC ‘20 said. “there’s that one dude who rides a Ripstik everywhere, and there’s that kid who keeps eating his food in a fucking tree.”
“Oh, and I’ve also heard talk of a sleeper candidate,” Grinchell continued, “who apparently repeatedly plays air guitar and sings ‘Love Shack’ by the B-52’s. If the rumors are true, that would truly be something special.”
IN OTHER NEWS
"That's a really gracious offer, and I do appreciate it -- but for the time being, I will have to pass."
"I've been good this week, and I should treat myself," said Freddy Simone, 25, after seven days spent doing the bare minimum at his job.
Mr. Ducovich was unfazed by the water; he removed his “Grill Master” t-shirt, and eagerly waded to the pool’s deep end. “Kids, don’t listen to your mother, it’s actually really refreshing,” he said.
“We realized no grocer in the nation gives customers the choice of whether to bid or buy now, which made us think: ‘Why not let people enter bidding wars for that last dry Lo Mein under the heating lamp?’”
"Not saying I wanted the full sabotage apparatus, but a few measly articles about Obama’s forged birth certificate would have really come in handy when Sarah Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper.”
"If you have the border wall, you already have the two countries. Problem solved."
President Trump discreetly spat gum into his paper, before crumpling it and stuffing it in the Wall.
"Let me bury my secrets deep inside that expensive leather man-bag you keep strapped to your lanky midwestern frame."