NEW ALBANY, OH - In the wake of his “immature tantics (sic)” in Rio, Ryan Lochte was recently dropped by his long-time sponsors Speedo and Ralph Lauren. But now things are looking up for the swimming star—Abercrombie and Fitch, impressed by Lochte's unabashed bravado of douchebaggery, has offered him an endorsement.
"He's totally on-brand for us," says Abercrombie and Fitch spokesperson Sean Fitzgerald. "Flexing his sick abs, partying to mourn a fourth-place finish, pissing on developing nations—he's got the makings of an Abercrombie superstar."
But it's not just that Lochte fits the clothier's well-established mold—white, affluent, athletic, handsome. Fitzgerald insists the swimmer also represents the company's future.
"He's half-Cuban," said the perfectly-bronzed spokesman. "Endorsing him proves we're not just a company for privileged Caucasian assholes; we're a brand for douches of all races and creeds, so long as they can pass for white."
Lochte will start his work for Abercrombie next week at the company's Boise Town Square store, where he'll accept a responsibility for which he has prepared all his life: posing shirtless for pictures and handing out cologne samples.
IN OTHER NEWS
The news has been met with excitement from Columbia students, especially given that Beto acts as one of few pieces of living evidence that the Columbia Men’s Rowing Team can, in fact, produce a principled member of society.
Professors in the Columbia Department of Economics confirmed that according to their research, the only product that can be morally consumed under our current economic system is the asshole of an acquaintance.
“Got a sock,” said Montás in disbelief. “President threw it, and Montás caught it, and Montás—Montás is free.”
“I probably should have known something was up when I entered and didn’t even check in with a human, just a slimy iPad from 2008.”
“We’re going all out to ensure that every sad boi finds his sad non-gendered partner this Valentine’s Day.”
If this journey has taught me anything, it is that I mustn't change who I am to find love with a future Goldman Sachs managing director. Instead, I must transfer to Barnard. Maybe then I’ll have a better shot.
“I’m an ally. I’m trying to create a better brand for this movement, one that better complies with established grammar rules.”
The snake is reportedly cash-green and vaguely slimy-looking, with an Apple watch still attached to its body.
“Robin was such a grinder,” said his roommate Tag Eisenhower CC’ 20. “For as long as I knew him he would put his body through absolute hell simply because he didn’t possess a single shred of planning or basic organization.”