NEW ALBANY, OH - In the wake of his “immature tantics (sic)” in Rio, Ryan Lochte was recently dropped by his long-time sponsors Speedo and Ralph Lauren. But now things are looking up for the swimming star—Abercrombie and Fitch, impressed by Lochte's unabashed bravado of douchebaggery, has offered him an endorsement.
"He's totally on-brand for us," says Abercrombie and Fitch spokesperson Sean Fitzgerald. "Flexing his sick abs, partying to mourn a fourth-place finish, pissing on developing nations—he's got the makings of an Abercrombie superstar."
But it's not just that Lochte fits the clothier's well-established mold—white, affluent, athletic, handsome. Fitzgerald insists the swimmer also represents the company's future.
"He's half-Cuban," said the perfectly-bronzed spokesman. "Endorsing him proves we're not just a company for privileged Caucasian assholes; we're a brand for douches of all races and creeds, so long as they can pass for white."
Lochte will start his work for Abercrombie next week at the company's Boise Town Square store, where he'll accept a responsibility for which he has prepared all his life: posing shirtless for pictures and handing out cologne samples.
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"President Lee Bollinger cited the organization’s 'lack of transparency' and 'ethics concerns' as incongruous with the university’s vision."
“We water the soil with broken dreams, fertilize it with internship offers, and voila, out they come.”
1. Stimulate James McShane to near ecstasy at the mere mention of “theft alert.”
Learn a thing or two from the Fed's wisest.
"Usually we let the admissions process grind them up and spit them out, but we had to step in here."
"Columbia must have been his safety school. Anyone with a dick that nice applied to Harvard early.”
"To all the students emailing me to 'talk about the class,' just drop it. I’m not interested."
"Approach the first hot girl you see, taking the shortest path possible—use Dijkstra’s algorithm here if necessary."