NEW ALBANY, OH - In the wake of his “immature tantics (sic)” in Rio, Ryan Lochte was recently dropped by his long-time sponsors Speedo and Ralph Lauren. But now things are looking up for the swimming star—Abercrombie and Fitch, impressed by Lochte's unabashed bravado of douchebaggery, has offered him an endorsement.
"He's totally on-brand for us," says Abercrombie and Fitch spokesperson Sean Fitzgerald. "Flexing his sick abs, partying to mourn a fourth-place finish, pissing on developing nations—he's got the makings of an Abercrombie superstar."
But it's not just that Lochte fits the clothier's well-established mold—white, affluent, athletic, handsome. Fitzgerald insists the swimmer also represents the company's future.
"He's half-Cuban," said the perfectly-bronzed spokesman. "Endorsing him proves we're not just a company for privileged Caucasian assholes; we're a brand for douches of all races and creeds, so long as they can pass for white."
Lochte will start his work for Abercrombie next week at the company's Boise Town Square store, where he'll accept a responsibility for which he has prepared all his life: posing shirtless for pictures and handing out cologne samples.
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Joe began to laugh. “Who is Willy Valentini? Only the Dean of Columbia, the mad genius who keeps this whole place running!"
"After all, he was pretty sure that they have the exact same nutritional content as regular cucumbers. Probably right? Doesn't matter."
According to witnesses, the last words he uttered before chugging his sixth Bud Light and stumbling out the door were, “Imma bout to send it.”
"In the absence of any real personality, our midwestern students sometimes struggle to find their niche on campus, and must resort to misguidedly boasting about their native climate."
"All this time I was talking about rabbis, but he was thinking about priests?”
"I’ve always been torn between my love of Gertrude Stein and weirdly shaped plants. But now I don’t have to be.”
"There were at least 90 virgins in that room, so I do feel like I got some decent value.”
"I’ve never introduced myself without explicitly mentioning it: 'He/Him/His, Columbia College, Burbank, California.'"
"This way, students can rest assured that even if that misdiagnosed strep throat becomes fatal, their souls will be preserved in eternal light."