NEW ALBANY, OH - In the wake of his “immature tantics (sic)” in Rio, Ryan Lochte was recently dropped by his long-time sponsors Speedo and Ralph Lauren. But now things are looking up for the swimming star—Abercrombie and Fitch, impressed by Lochte's unabashed bravado of douchebaggery, has offered him an endorsement.
"He's totally on-brand for us," says Abercrombie and Fitch spokesperson Sean Fitzgerald. "Flexing his sick abs, partying to mourn a fourth-place finish, pissing on developing nations—he's got the makings of an Abercrombie superstar."
But it's not just that Lochte fits the clothier's well-established mold—white, affluent, athletic, handsome. Fitzgerald insists the swimmer also represents the company's future.
"He's half-Cuban," said the perfectly-bronzed spokesman. "Endorsing him proves we're not just a company for privileged Caucasian assholes; we're a brand for douches of all races and creeds, so long as they can pass for white."
Lochte will start his work for Abercrombie next week at the company's Boise Town Square store, where he'll accept a responsibility for which he has prepared all his life: posing shirtless for pictures and handing out cologne samples.
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At press time, a similar ceremony is being planned for the namesake of Uris Deli; the infamous New York railroad tycoon, Uris J. Deli.
“The tradition of shiny-headed baldness among our sandwich makers is a long and storied one at Milano Market."
"You have the audacity to pull out your 10 page long CC paper and staple it as if you explicitly mean to torture me."