In a brief calm amidst meetings, new emails, and coffee runs, budding businessman Robert Granders CC ‘18 sat down to talk about his meteoric rise within the ranks of the management consulting firm at which he is interning.
“It’s been a pretty crazy month,” Granders said nonchalantly. “At first, it was really tough getting situated in such a storied company, but I kept on reminding myself that if I could get an A in Principles of Economics, I could make it anywhere. Now, considering how far I’ve come, it’s tough to believe that I was ever worried.”
Discounting coffee stains, the rising junior had already left an indelible mark upon the office. He had gained the appreciation of the staff from whom he learned so much.
“Yeah, he’s been fine,” said Chris Richards, the entry-level analyst charged with supervising the future magnate. “He barely makes mistakes when doing data entry, and responds to emails quickly enough. Not sure he has the time to take interviews though, we’ve got some major projects in the pipeline for this week.”
When asked about said projects, Granders gestured towards the other interns with whom he shared a table, all of whom were hunched over their computers typing manically. “My real skills lie in delegation—one of the many reasons why I’m on the management track. Even though I’m not personally writing my ‘assigned reports,’ my name is all over this thing.”
Indeed, the shared document that his fellow interns were collaborating on was covered in comments Robert had written, most of which consisted of “good work” or “needs work”.
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4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.
"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"
"Just what I need to deliver an understated, disinterested broadcast."
"I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut."
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.