America is riding a one-way bus to Flavortown.
IN OTHER NEWS
"There are still some holdouts who experience brief moments of fleeting happiness."
Look! It's a cloud of buzz words!
"It is not just a pathetic excuse for a meal; it is an affront to the values upheld by our well-nourished Founding Fathers."
"I don’t pay nearly $70,000 a year to go more than a week without being offended."
"I've never met more flabby human beings, except for every other semester I've taught here."
"The post-war resurgence of female domesticity? That’s my aesthetic. And, oh my god, Republican Motherhood? Now that’s a deep cut."
"I was ordered to teach a class of 18-year-old little shits some easy beach reads, like the Iliad and To the Fucking Lighthouse."
Additional reports will not be given as this story develops, because not one person cares.
"I used to do a ten second plank every morning, but I had to cut that in half so I could have enough time to sleep."