BRUSSELS - In his first public address to the European Union since being appointed Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson forwent prepared remarks, and instead impressively listed all the pubs in the United Kingdom in which he has “gotten lucky.”
A partial transcript of his remarks reads: “There was the The Hairy Fox in ‘98; The Toad Stool in Manchester; The Stout Foreskin the night Thatcher died; some broad gave me a nice “over-the-trousers-how-do-you-do” at The Slippery Porridge in Surrey; The Bouncing Cock has always been friendly to ol’ Boris. Some nice lass fruffled my funnywizzle one night under the topper while a poofter crabappled a Schermerhorn delight; The Ruddy Badger gots a pint of good time, I’ll tell you that straight; shagged a miss at The Lazy Biscuit, that’s a night left its mark…”
As of press time, European Union negotiators were having a difficult time refuting Johnson’s aggressive claims. Even the notoriously composed Chancellor Angela Merkel appeared flustered, saying, “I don’t recall that night in The Ruptured Weasel going past ‘hand stuff.’”
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At press time, a similar ceremony is being planned for the namesake of Uris Deli; the infamous New York railroad tycoon, Uris J. Deli.
“The tradition of shiny-headed baldness among our sandwich makers is a long and storied one at Milano Market."