At a press conference open exclusively to Fox News, Breitbart, and the Federalist, Donald Trump rolled out his vice presidential pick: a lump of pasty white flesh with a small, angry penis dangling off of it. "This pile of white flesh with penis is what this campaign is all about, and has a long record of supporting American values."
This penis-wielding bulge of Caucasian blubber in some ways balances the ticket, offering a long history of public service. As Trump himself noted, "Strange lumpy piles of white flesh with penises have long been a dominant voice in Congress, and it's time we brought that governing experience into the White House. In fact, for most Americans, Congress is synonymous with a useless pile of white, phallus-bearing meat."
The pick was met with widespread approval from Trump's base. Brett Daniels, a welder of Galveston, TX, stated, "I see a lot of myself in that shapeless pile of white flesh. His penis even looks like mine!"
Most pundits failed to predict Trump's choice however, as Trump had paraded a number of similar candidates as potential choices. "I'm a political commentator, not a psychic. You can't honestly expect me to distinguish Chris Christie from any other disgusting blob of pink penisey meat."
After the announcement, the nation's journalists immediately began delving into the inevitable question: was this splotchy mass of skin and sinew's penis bigger than Trump's? Donald immediately assured us, "His penis, it's vestigial. He uses it to breathe. Now, I've had little Don described by total tens as 'a breath of fresh air,' but it's clear who is better off in the dongage department."
Like Trump, the flesh pile mostly gurgled incoherently until prodded by an intrepid reporter, when it emitted a noise that resembled "meckicans." The reporter was immediately ejected from the press conference.
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"This is a sign. I'm really going to graduate at the top of my class!" proclaimed pre-frosh Ji Hong Lee, mere months before he will pitch a sad, little tent in Riverside Park.
While undergrads are provided with all of the resources necessary for safe sex (twin beds, unlubricated condoms, inconsistent erections) high school students are offered all of these resources, in addition to sexually suggestive lanyards.
"The complete eradication of the farm, totaled at 227 ants, was initially attributed to the 13 days the package spent on a poorly ventilated, sunless shelf in Wien, during which time Michaels reportedly attempted to muster up the testicular fortitude to interact with the package staffer."
"President Lee Bollinger cited the organization’s 'lack of transparency' and 'ethics concerns' as incongruous with the university’s vision."
“We water the soil with broken dreams, fertilize it with internship offers, and voila, out they come.”
1. Stimulate James McShane to near ecstasy at the mere mention of “theft alert.”
Learn a thing or two from the Fed's wisest.
"Usually we let the admissions process grind them up and spit them out, but we had to step in here."
"Columbia must have been his safety school. Anyone with a dick that nice applied to Harvard early.”