At a press conference open exclusively to Fox News, Breitbart, and the Federalist, Donald Trump rolled out his vice presidential pick: a lump of pasty white flesh with a small, angry penis dangling off of it. "This pile of white flesh with penis is what this campaign is all about, and has a long record of supporting American values."
This penis-wielding bulge of Caucasian blubber in some ways balances the ticket, offering a long history of public service. As Trump himself noted, "Strange lumpy piles of white flesh with penises have long been a dominant voice in Congress, and it's time we brought that governing experience into the White House. In fact, for most Americans, Congress is synonymous with a useless pile of white, phallus-bearing meat."
The pick was met with widespread approval from Trump's base. Brett Daniels, a welder of Galveston, TX, stated, "I see a lot of myself in that shapeless pile of white flesh. His penis even looks like mine!"
Most pundits failed to predict Trump's choice however, as Trump had paraded a number of similar candidates as potential choices. "I'm a political commentator, not a psychic. You can't honestly expect me to distinguish Chris Christie from any other disgusting blob of pink penisey meat."
After the announcement, the nation's journalists immediately began delving into the inevitable question: was this splotchy mass of skin and sinew's penis bigger than Trump's? Donald immediately assured us, "His penis, it's vestigial. He uses it to breathe. Now, I've had little Don described by total tens as 'a breath of fresh air,' but it's clear who is better off in the dongage department."
Like Trump, the flesh pile mostly gurgled incoherently until prodded by an intrepid reporter, when it emitted a noise that resembled "meckicans." The reporter was immediately ejected from the press conference.
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"The two girls, who refer to themselves collectively as '704,' their room number, have begun the semester with conflicting class schedules."
"Modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality..."
"Soon, sweetheart," cooed the 54-year-old professor's mother . "It'll come sooner if you fall asleep."
"I personally find it to be a very spiritual journey, as I pass the same Olive Tree Deli and Columbia Barber shop my forefathers passed years ago."
“This is Kimiko, my waifu,” said the Dean, switching tabs to a hi-res image of a scantily clad, huge-eyed vixen with gravity-defying breasts.
"Coach kept telling us, ‘Guys, you’re a damn talented group, and I know you can win games. You gotta stay focused on winning! Because if you keep losing, you’re gonna know the sting inside my spanking tent.’"
"Something about those cute little faces just gets me going about how much better public torture would work out than our current broken justice system when considering the utilitarian calculus."
“It’s just so unhealthy,” said Jablonsky, whose grandfather trekked across Europe with just two potatoes in his battered rucksack to catch a passage to America. “Too much saturated fat. And, oh God, the salt.”
"In an increasingly interconnected world, we at the Office of Global Programs are hoping that a trip up to Union Theological Seminary or down into Lehman can be reframed as its own rich adventure!"