At a press conference open exclusively to Fox News, Breitbart, and the Federalist, Donald Trump rolled out his vice presidential pick: a lump of pasty white flesh with a small, angry penis dangling off of it. "This pile of white flesh with penis is what this campaign is all about, and has a long record of supporting American values."
This penis-wielding bulge of Caucasian blubber in some ways balances the ticket, offering a long history of public service. As Trump himself noted, "Strange lumpy piles of white flesh with penises have long been a dominant voice in Congress, and it's time we brought that governing experience into the White House. In fact, for most Americans, Congress is synonymous with a useless pile of white, phallus-bearing meat."
The pick was met with widespread approval from Trump's base. Brett Daniels, a welder of Galveston, TX, stated, "I see a lot of myself in that shapeless pile of white flesh. His penis even looks like mine!"
Most pundits failed to predict Trump's choice however, as Trump had paraded a number of similar candidates as potential choices. "I'm a political commentator, not a psychic. You can't honestly expect me to distinguish Chris Christie from any other disgusting blob of pink penisey meat."
After the announcement, the nation's journalists immediately began delving into the inevitable question: was this splotchy mass of skin and sinew's penis bigger than Trump's? Donald immediately assured us, "His penis, it's vestigial. He uses it to breathe. Now, I've had little Don described by total tens as 'a breath of fresh air,' but it's clear who is better off in the dongage department."
Like Trump, the flesh pile mostly gurgled incoherently until prodded by an intrepid reporter, when it emitted a noise that resembled "meckicans." The reporter was immediately ejected from the press conference.
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"With asexuality, you're essentially calling yourself your own boss. Good for freelancers and executives, though less effective for those looking to get in at the ground level of a major corporation, where most of the work will likely be collaborative."
“What the hell am I supposed to tell people…‘I'm from the Northeast'? Like I’m just gonna lump Rhode Island in there too? Jesus Christ.”
"As of press time, a full four minutes after class was supposed to end, Timmons was seen transitioning into an involved monologue about the finer points of Thucydides’ sexuality."
"At first I thought it was strange that he seemed to be tuning the piano, which seemed to be in working condition; but real Hell broke loose when we realized the doors were locked."
"It’s time for us to start including people from all walks of life: Kyle's, Anderson's, maybe even a Quinn if we’re feeling adventurous. Literally just one person that isn’t named Dylan. That’d be ill.”
"We looked into each other’s eyes, and then we both knew, just like that. It felt so natural. It was a really special moment.”
"President Bollinger has already announced a rare Monday holiday to commemorate the student's brave achievement."
"Items found at the scene included a copy of Walter Benjamin’s Illuminations, 15 pairs of rose-colored sunglasses, five inflatable palm trees (deflated), three Pax vaporizers, and a bust of David."