With mounting pressure from high-ranking members within the party to renounce an anti-Hillary Twitter post containing a Star of David and a wall of dollar bills, presumptive GOP nominee Donald Trump offered a statement clarifying that he has “no problem with Jews, coloreds, or the slanty-eyed types.”
The statement continued, “My advisers have told me that the things I tweeted the other day offended some people. I assure you I fired all of them. Folks, political correctness is out of control in this country. And the media - which is so pro-Hillary it’s unbelievable, by the way - is calling me racist and anti-Semitic. What a bunch of liars. I’ve built a great company over the years - one of the greatest. You know, I don’t see race when I fire people. I couldn’t care less if you’re a Mexican, a Chinaman, a Whovian, or a Yellow-Bellied Sneetch. That’s the beauty of me. I don’t know things.”
Public backlash to Mr. Trump’s formal statement was swift, with many reporters suggesting Mr. Trump is willfully ignorant of the sensitive nature of both Jewish and larger racial relations plaguing the country. Furthermore, perplexed social media users considered the possibility that Trump believes the Yellow-Bellied Sneetches from Dr. Seuss’ “The Sneetches” to be an actual race of people. These concerns were validated when Trump later tweeted, “I have a GREAT relationship with the Sneetches and will FIGHT to keep out the Green-Bellied kind.”
Asked to respond to these comments, House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-WI) nervously laughed for 25 seconds and then asked if anyone wanted to see him bench press “little Reince Priebus.”
IN OTHER NEWS
“Now, the dipshit’s gone and pissed off Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with the Thousand Young,” Core professor Ricardo Hernandez said.
In his concluding remarks, Bollinger made a surprising revelation: “I have been notified by my ancestors that all lands previously inhabited by the Lenape people have been granted to me, personally.”
Otis Wofford, CC ’22, expressed his discontent with the decision. “Women, men and gender non-conforming folks being a part of the same institution? The social justice warriors are out of control.”
At first we thought our challenges wouldn’t be insurmountable. We thought that with discipline, resolve, and a heavy dose of hard work, Spec would persevere.
But then came the op-eds.
“I’m told at one point, the quiz registered full attendance while only twelve students were in the room,” police chief Marcellus Johnson explained. “Something had to be done.”
“He just looks so thin and pale in his facestagrams that I knew I had to give him his own mother’s medicine: my famous Latkes!” Marsha said.
The news has been met with excitement from Columbia students, especially given that Beto acts as one of few pieces of living evidence that the Columbia Men’s Rowing Team can, in fact, produce a principled member of society.
Professors in the Columbia Department of Economics confirmed that according to their research, the only product that can be morally consumed under our current economic system is the asshole of an acquaintance.
“Got a sock,” said Montás in disbelief. “President threw it, and Montás caught it, and Montás—Montás is free.”