With mounting pressure from high-ranking members within the party to renounce an anti-Hillary Twitter post containing a Star of David and a wall of dollar bills, presumptive GOP nominee Donald Trump offered a statement clarifying that he has “no problem with Jews, coloreds, or the slanty-eyed types.”
The statement continued, “My advisers have told me that the things I tweeted the other day offended some people. I assure you I fired all of them. Folks, political correctness is out of control in this country. And the media - which is so pro-Hillary it’s unbelievable, by the way - is calling me racist and anti-Semitic. What a bunch of liars. I’ve built a great company over the years - one of the greatest. You know, I don’t see race when I fire people. I couldn’t care less if you’re a Mexican, a Chinaman, a Whovian, or a Yellow-Bellied Sneetch. That’s the beauty of me. I don’t know things.”
Public backlash to Mr. Trump’s formal statement was swift, with many reporters suggesting Mr. Trump is willfully ignorant of the sensitive nature of both Jewish and larger racial relations plaguing the country. Furthermore, perplexed social media users considered the possibility that Trump believes the Yellow-Bellied Sneetches from Dr. Seuss’ “The Sneetches” to be an actual race of people. These concerns were validated when Trump later tweeted, “I have a GREAT relationship with the Sneetches and will FIGHT to keep out the Green-Bellied kind.”
Asked to respond to these comments, House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-WI) nervously laughed for 25 seconds and then asked if anyone wanted to see him bench press “little Reince Priebus.”
IN OTHER NEWS
"The complete eradication of the farm, totaled at 227 ants, was initially attributed to the 13 days the package spent on a poorly ventilated, sunless shelf in Wien, during which time Michaels reportedly attempted to muster up the testicular fortitude to interact with the package staffer."
"President Lee Bollinger cited the organization’s 'lack of transparency' and 'ethics concerns' as incongruous with the university’s vision."
“We water the soil with broken dreams, fertilize it with internship offers, and voila, out they come.”
1. Stimulate James McShane to near ecstasy at the mere mention of “theft alert.”
Learn a thing or two from the Fed's wisest.
"Usually we let the admissions process grind them up and spit them out, but we had to step in here."
"Columbia must have been his safety school. Anyone with a dick that nice applied to Harvard early.”
"To all the students emailing me to 'talk about the class,' just drop it. I’m not interested."
"Approach the first hot girl you see, taking the shortest path possible—use Dijkstra’s algorithm here if necessary."