With mounting pressure from high-ranking members within the party to renounce an anti-Hillary Twitter post containing a Star of David and a wall of dollar bills, presumptive GOP nominee Donald Trump offered a statement clarifying that he has “no problem with Jews, coloreds, or the slanty-eyed types.”
The statement continued, “My advisers have told me that the things I tweeted the other day offended some people. I assure you I fired all of them. Folks, political correctness is out of control in this country. And the media - which is so pro-Hillary it’s unbelievable, by the way - is calling me racist and anti-Semitic. What a bunch of liars. I’ve built a great company over the years - one of the greatest. You know, I don’t see race when I fire people. I couldn’t care less if you’re a Mexican, a Chinaman, a Whovian, or a Yellow-Bellied Sneetch. That’s the beauty of me. I don’t know things.”
Public backlash to Mr. Trump’s formal statement was swift, with many reporters suggesting Mr. Trump is willfully ignorant of the sensitive nature of both Jewish and larger racial relations plaguing the country. Furthermore, perplexed social media users considered the possibility that Trump believes the Yellow-Bellied Sneetches from Dr. Seuss’ “The Sneetches” to be an actual race of people. These concerns were validated when Trump later tweeted, “I have a GREAT relationship with the Sneetches and will FIGHT to keep out the Green-Bellied kind.”
Asked to respond to these comments, House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-WI) nervously laughed for 25 seconds and then asked if anyone wanted to see him bench press “little Reince Priebus.”
IN OTHER NEWS
“I don’t need your pity. But I do need you to buy this pan flute CD for $5.”
“She said she had sent me a package, and I thought it was going to be some flip-flops or a swimsuit or some shit like that."
"I’m starting to miss the familiar, raw sting of alcohol funneling into my rectum."
“We all look the same except for that one brunette, but usually we make her take the photo anyways, so we should be fine."
"To all those people who revel in moist novels like Infinite Jest and scoff at bony novellas like Of Mice and Men, this list is for you."
"In the future, we will work harder to ensure that students cannot understand anything from the lectures or notes."
"Why go to the bathroom when I can relieve myself right in the NoCo chair I’ve nested in for the past 13 days?”
"I really can’t tell if he’s just being friendly, or wants to tie me up and slather me in some homemade barbecue sauce."
"I mean, it's definitely a tough situation they've got over there."