HARTFORD, CT - As Jesus Christ sifted through a CVS here this weekend, he looked for a passable last-minute Father’s Day gift. Turning over a “World’s Best Dad” mug, the Messiah shook his head. “I got Him one of these last year.”
“I always find Father’s Day pretty tough,” the Son of God sheepishly admitted. “I’m never really sure what to get. I feel like Dad already has everything.”
Initially hoping to splurge on a whole new set of living beings, the Prince of Peace might just settle for a box of assorted chocolates at this point. "He always goes for the sinful stuff,” Jesus said. "It kills me.”
The Birkenstock-toting Teacher fondly recalled a time when gift-giving was straightforward. “When I was little, I used to give Him little tchotchkes I made in school - I was a pretty good carpenter,” Jesus reminisced. “But I feel like you grow out of that kind of thing after a couple thousand years.”
Still, Jesus emphasized the importance of giving thoughtful gifts. “I considered just upgrading Him from a flip phone," asserted the Savior. "But at His age, it was a total miracle that He even learned how to even use that Nokia. Anyways, Dad loathes AT&T. He spends half His time phoning customer service in Bangalore. If things seem a little amuck recently, just know that He was still on hold when Trump clinched the nomination."
After spinning through the card aisle one more time, Jesus went to the register to buy a San Pellegrino. “I’ll just get a nice bottle of wine and call it a day.”