Panic struck the Barnard campus this week when Maggie the Magnolia did not bloom on schedule.
Barnard College President Debora Spar, taken aback by the most recent speculation over the biological cycle of the Magnolia, announced in a community-wide email that Maggie is not dead, but rather menopausal:
“There comes a time in a woman’s life when the patriarchy deems her worthless to society. Unable to bloom, she is left for dead. But let me assure you, our dear Maggie is not dead. She is menopausal.
It is appalling that Barnard women should fall prey to such nonsensical and fruitless speculation. Surely her maturity could have fooled the common man. But, let it be known, a woman’s body is still valuable even when she can no longer flower.
These are but mere seasons of a woman’s life. Dry and discolored, Maggie is no longer constricted by patriarchal standards of youth and girlish beauty. As we move from June to September, let us celebrate the bold, beautiful wisdom Maggie can offer us all.”