FRAT ROW – In a university-wide email on Saturday, President Lee C. Bollinger announced that Columbia would ban fraternities and sororities. The news comes on the heels of Harvard’s decision this week to sanction its single-sex Greek organizations and finals clubs. “In many cases, fraternities and sororities counter our deepest values by supporting forms of privilege – like having a social life,” Bollinger wrote. “Unsupervised social spaces can present opportunities for behavior that we do not condone, such as spending a Friday night outside of Butler.”
The death of Greek life was mourned by thousands of prefrosh who were looking forward to getting drenched in Bud Light and other students’ sweat this fall. Still, the Jewish fraternity AEPi will remain open due to a very insistent phone call from the mother of Benjamin Tenenbaum CC ’19.
Columbia College Dean James Valentini was a strong advocate for Bollinger’s decision to crack down on Greek organizations. “Ultimately, all of these allegedly fun and exclusive groups are at odds with Columbia College’s educational philosophy,” Valentini explained. “Students should feel welcomed into our campus culture through inclusive debauchery, like hanging up your problem set at dawn to dry out the tear stains.”
With passionate reasoning on both sides of the controversial issue, a 24-hour shitstorm unsurprisingly devastated Bwog and class Facebook pages. Full essays were posted as comments, high-five emojis peppered threads, and the majority of students watched with fascinated horror as their remaining respect for the participants was slowly crushed under the weight of Internet pettiness.
Unconfirmed rumors suggest that St. A’s will go unscathed, probably because Daddy just bought a wing in Manhattanville.