BLEAK DUNGEON ABOVE PINKBERRY, MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS - Snickering at the long-running prank, Columbia Daily Spectator Editor-in-Chief Caroline Chiu revealed to reporters representing a variety of campus publications that the venerable newspaper has actually just been a century-long joke.
“We considered letting everyone in on it in April 1878,” Chiu admitted. “But I’m glad we kept it going until now. We’ve frankly done a much better job than the Federalist. Unfortunately, the equally absurd but earnestly-published publications popping up all over, from Bwog to The Tab, were starting to blow our cover."
Members of the newspaper were astounded by the Columbia community’s stupidity. “Did you actually think that the best efforts of hundreds of students - attending one of the best universities in the world, no less - would yield such a trivial result?,” demanded Jim Martin CC ’17, a member of the Spectator’s editorial board. “We’ve been busting ribs watching you idiots react seriously to this gibberish like we’re some sort of respected journalism outlet.”
Citing the Spectator’s wide range of preposterous content, the paper’s staff chuckled throughout the announcement. “Come on,” chided James Gu CC ’18. “The open letter to a Law School bathroom stall puddle? The interactive quiz matching you with your Ferris sandwich type? The multiple op-eds about the intersectional oppression perpetuated by the lack of Pink Floyd posters on the fifth floor of Butler? You morons never stopped once and considered that we might be pulling your leg?"
Still, the Spectator’s staff openly admits that maintaining the time-worn prank required a great deal of work. “We might not be the Wall Street Journal, but you have to give us some credit. The whole spoof was drafted quite skillfully,” added Martin. “We literally combed through social media for hours every day just to find the news topics you couldn’t care less about. I mean, that takes years of experience and an exceptionally keen eye for the inconsequential.”
As of press time, rumors were circulating that the Odyssey Online might also be a massive farce.