The day after another sober, controversy-free, star-studded Bacchanal, students all over campus sprung out of bed to watch an even more popular event: the CCSC candidate debates. The excitement about Rae Sremmurd quickly faded as three or four spectators thronged to Math 312 this to watch the candidates square off against one another for a full 10ish minutes of substantive policy bloviation.
“Bacchanal was great, but this is what really makes student life!” commented sophomore Sarah Ferguson, CC ’18. “I can’t wait to see whether the level-headed pragmatism of 1U party or the insightful satire of the N/A Party will be able to win the verbal edge.”
After figuring out how to accommodate the massive overflow crowd, the moderators invited the candidates on stage, to thunderous applause from the one or two spectators on either side. After inspiring opening statements that in no way came off as hastily prepared, the two sides began to clash, revealing the stark policy differences and pernicious Bacchanal hangovers. Though failing to provoke the penis size comparisons and booger ingestion of the Republican national debates, members of the elections board asked tough questions and provided opportunities for illuminating exchanges. “What a great debate,” commented James Ramirez CC ’19. “We really got to see the two parties challenging one another, rather than taking turns reciting rehearsed monologues about the new ways they plan to waste tuition dollars.”
After 17 minutes of what certainly didn’t resemble an unattended job interview, the event came to a close, and the students parted with a lot to think about. “After watching the debate, I have a much better sense of who these candidates are – they definitely didn’t just use the platform rehash their talking points in an entirely unproductive way,” commented one member of the junior class.
The administrators seemed equally delighted with the process. Deantini was ecstatic as he looked on at the six content-packed minutes of discussion, wearing a wide grin and murmuring: “Dance, little puppets! Dance! Make them think you have any power here.”