GARMENT DISTRICT - For years, New Yorkers who depend on salmon shorts for a living have been suffering from the depletion of the salmon shorts stock. “I’ve been fishing for salmon shorts around here since I was 19,” said Joel McCarthy, the 22-year old J-Crew Vice President for Fraternity Life. “Every morning, I put on boat shoes and trawl 7th Ave. I’ve never seen stocks so low."
Scientists predict that New England’s stocks of salmon shorts will be depleted by 2022, and the Mid-Atlantic’s by 2025. “Increased demand has been driven by an unprecedented increase in global douchebaggery, and we just can’t spawn salmon shorts fast enough to keep up,” explained Thomas Adkin, a researcher at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA). “I recommend that everyone do their part to save the planet by buying farm-bred jean cut-offs."
Pollution has been a terrible scourge for the salmon shorts population of the northern Atlantic region. Recently, man-made contaminants have caused genetic mutations, transforming the species into other hideous pastel colors. The new breeds have been branded with sophisticated names like “Ripe Apricot,” “Soft Custard,” and “Pale Barn.” Scientists see no end in sight. “If we don’t stop dumping Keystone Light and Ray-Bans into the ocean soon, this could be a moral disaster,” said Adkin. “Who knows what awful new hues could evolve - Schoolbus Paint Job? Shriveled Prune Glaze? Sperry Sole Beige?”
“The time to act is now,” Adkin declared firmly. “What kind of a world do you want to leave to your children? I, for one, buy all my clothes from Eddie Bauer.”