In a recent school-wide email, Columbia Public Safety announced an immediate ban on all drones used for non-academic or research purposes on campus, as the operation of drones requires a litany of licenses and is subject to federal regulations.
Some within the Columbia community have applauded the steps taken by Public Safety to ensure the privacy and safety of Columbians, while others were not as enthused. “I just wish someone had told us they were even considering banning drones,” said Xiao Li SEAS ‘17. “For the past three months, I have been designing plans to use my drone to take scandalous pictures of Brian Greene touching himself in his Pupin office and sell the photos to Gawker. It seems like Public Safety does not care about my livelihood or fleeting Internet fame.”
The most anticipated response was from President Barack Obama CC ‘83, a known drone fanatic and proprietor of the website “www.LookingToBeDroned.com.”
While reading “The Little Engine That Could” to a first-grade class in Weston, CT, Secret Service agents informed the President of the announcement, and, according to Fox News, the color in his face faded into a “creamy milk chocolate.”
Mr. Obama excused himself from the classroom and immediately requested the “yellow phone,” a direct line between the President and Vice President of Columbia Public Safety James McShane.
In a discussion heated enough to be heard by members of the press in an adjacent room, Obama reportedly threatened Mr. McShane, asking if he “would like to see what a real drone can do” and stating that he was “above the Geneva Conventions.”
After ending the call, Obama reportedly directed the presidential convoy to make a beeline to the nearest Air Force base to cuddle a Predator missile, while the NSA drafted a Crime Alert alleging that McShane is a “serial fun killer."