Dear Vice President-Elect Pence,
I am writing this letter to you, and slipping it under the closet door, to let you know that it’s okay to come out. It is the year 2016 - the torture of gay youth has been outlawed, marriage equality achieved, and, most importantly, RuPaul’s Drag Race is doing its SECOND all star season (this year, the winning queen gets to choose who is eliminated)!
Sure, horrific things still happen to gay people: massacre, homelessness, suicide, and whatever happened to Ryan Murphy’s career. But these things can only be combatted when our nation’s public figures work to break down the stigma. You, Governor Pence, can do that by punching in the code to the padlock you’ve installed firmly inside that closet door. It’s dark in there, Mikey, and that pasty white skin tone just isn’t going to cut it this swimsuit season--especially now that all the White House studs have got their eyes on you!
I long to live in an America where gay men don’t hate you because you want to electrocute queer youth, but because you’ve broken too many of their hearts. And trust me - gay men are much more likely to let you shock them if you just tell them upfront that it’s your kink.
After all, it’s not like you haven’t been dropping hints. The gusto with which you agreed to be sandwiched between our bearish president-elect and our twinkish House Speaker was striking. I mean, you knew that you were just going to be tag-teamed by these two men for four straight years, and you still signed on!
So please, come out of the closet. I promise it gets better! Just maybe not in Indiana. They’ve got some real whackjobs over there.
"This is a sign. I'm really going to graduate at the top of my class!" proclaimed pre-frosh Ji Hong Lee, mere months before he will pitch a sad, little tent in Riverside Park.
While undergrads are provided with all of the resources necessary for safe sex (twin beds, unlubricated condoms, inconsistent erections) high school students are offered all of these resources, in addition to sexually suggestive lanyards.
"The complete eradication of the farm, totaled at 227 ants, was initially attributed to the 13 days the package spent on a poorly ventilated, sunless shelf in Wien, during which time Michaels reportedly attempted to muster up the testicular fortitude to interact with the package staffer."
"President Lee Bollinger cited the organization’s 'lack of transparency' and 'ethics concerns' as incongruous with the university’s vision."
“We water the soil with broken dreams, fertilize it with internship offers, and voila, out they come.”
1. Stimulate James McShane to near ecstasy at the mere mention of “theft alert.”
Learn a thing or two from the Fed's wisest.
"Usually we let the admissions process grind them up and spit them out, but we had to step in here."
"Columbia must have been his safety school. Anyone with a dick that nice applied to Harvard early.”