Dear Vice President-Elect Pence,
I am writing this letter to you, and slipping it under the closet door, to let you know that it’s okay to come out. It is the year 2016 - the torture of gay youth has been outlawed, marriage equality achieved, and, most importantly, RuPaul’s Drag Race is doing its SECOND all star season (this year, the winning queen gets to choose who is eliminated)!
Sure, horrific things still happen to gay people: massacre, homelessness, suicide, and whatever happened to Ryan Murphy’s career. But these things can only be combatted when our nation’s public figures work to break down the stigma. You, Governor Pence, can do that by punching in the code to the padlock you’ve installed firmly inside that closet door. It’s dark in there, Mikey, and that pasty white skin tone just isn’t going to cut it this swimsuit season--especially now that all the White House studs have got their eyes on you!
I long to live in an America where gay men don’t hate you because you want to electrocute queer youth, but because you’ve broken too many of their hearts. And trust me - gay men are much more likely to let you shock them if you just tell them upfront that it’s your kink.
After all, it’s not like you haven’t been dropping hints. The gusto with which you agreed to be sandwiched between our bearish president-elect and our twinkish House Speaker was striking. I mean, you knew that you were just going to be tag-teamed by these two men for four straight years, and you still signed on!
So please, come out of the closet. I promise it gets better! Just maybe not in Indiana. They’ve got some real whackjobs over there.
"At press time, students across campus remained too scared of Gunderson to tell him to speed the fuck up."
"With asexuality, you're essentially calling yourself your own boss. Good for freelancers and executives, though less effective for those looking to get in at the ground level of a major corporation, where most of the work will likely be collaborative."
“What the hell am I supposed to tell people…‘I'm from the Northeast'? Like I’m just gonna lump Rhode Island in there too? Jesus Christ.”
"As of press time, a full four minutes after class was supposed to end, Timmons was seen transitioning into an involved monologue about the finer points of Thucydides’ sexuality."
"At first I thought it was strange that he seemed to be tuning the piano, which seemed to be in working condition; but real Hell broke loose when we realized the doors were locked."
"It’s time for us to start including people from all walks of life: Kyle's, Anderson's, maybe even a Quinn if we’re feeling adventurous. Literally just one person that isn’t named Dylan. That’d be ill.”
"We looked into each other’s eyes, and then we both knew, just like that. It felt so natural. It was a really special moment.”
"President Bollinger has already announced a rare Monday holiday to commemorate the student's brave achievement."
"Items found at the scene included a copy of Walter Benjamin’s Illuminations, 15 pairs of rose-colored sunglasses, five inflatable palm trees (deflated), three Pax vaporizers, and a bust of David."