COLLEGE WALK, 0 Degrees Kelvin – In order to maintain a happy and healthy perspective on life, psychologists advise people to reflect on what they are thankful for each morning. For Columbia students, Stressbusters recommends being thankful that you’re not the fucking asshole who’s still wearing flip flops in the middle of December.
“You might have problems, but your distress and despair this finals season cannot possibly equal that of Economics major Rustin Hart CC’17,” said Stressbuster Joe Thomas. “We’ve tried everything with this kid. Back massages, front massages, colonic hydrotherapy—I mean, we really pulled out all the stops on this one.”
Donning only a flimsy pair of flops and a groutfit, Rust routinely trudges through the elements to reach Schermerhorn. Mothers have been seen shielding their children from the site of Rust’s feet, where frostbite has begun to set in.
As cold as he is on the outside, Rust is just as numb on the inside. When reached for further commentary, Rust recalled how his time at Columbia has shaped his outlook on life: “Time is a flat circle,” he groaned, and hung up the phone.
If you see a man in flip flops on campus this holiday season, just thank the gods that you aren’t as despondent as an econ major.
IN OTHER NEWS
4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.
"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"
"Just what I need to deliver an understated, disinterested broadcast."
"I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut."
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.