The tree lighting ceremony truly brings the Columbia community together, and reminds each of us, every year, that we are unconditionally, irrevocably alone. Here's how to make the most of the beautiful lights when you know there’s nothing inside yourself but endless, self-perpetuating darkness:
1. Dress the part: Take the chance to break out your holiday swag, like those “vintage” gloves you cut the fingers off of. Don’t worry—we won’t tell your friends they’re from Marshall’s.
2. Do NOT fucking instagram it. You’re in the city now. You’ve re-branded. Maybe the old you would’ve, but there’s no way it’s gonna fit into your current street trash-glam-punk aesthetic.
3. Revel in the holiday spirit: Tree lighting means the holidays are upon us! You are sure to be overcome by the holiday spirit and the all-consuming fear that you’ll never outshine your brother. Use the final weeks of the year to reflect on everything you’re grateful for, like the time your dad told you he was proud of you five years ago.
4. Take advantage of free Columbia goodies! Hot chocolate is perfect for warming up the vile corpse you live in.
5. Accept that your body is merely a vessel for pain, which, in the grand scheme of things, is meaningless. Lie down in the snow naked. Scream at passersby that you’re finally ready to surrender to the inevitability of human suffering. Maybe it’ll make her come back.
6. Stay hydrated.
IN OTHER NEWS
4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.
"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"
"Just what I need to deliver an understated, disinterested broadcast."
"I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut."
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.