The tree lighting ceremony truly brings the Columbia community together, and reminds each of us, every year, that we are unconditionally, irrevocably alone. Here's how to make the most of the beautiful lights when you know there’s nothing inside yourself but endless, self-perpetuating darkness:
1. Dress the part: Take the chance to break out your holiday swag, like those “vintage” gloves you cut the fingers off of. Don’t worry—we won’t tell your friends they’re from Marshall’s.
2. Do NOT fucking instagram it. You’re in the city now. You’ve re-branded. Maybe the old you would’ve, but there’s no way it’s gonna fit into your current street trash-glam-punk aesthetic.
3. Revel in the holiday spirit: Tree lighting means the holidays are upon us! You are sure to be overcome by the holiday spirit and the all-consuming fear that you’ll never outshine your brother. Use the final weeks of the year to reflect on everything you’re grateful for, like the time your dad told you he was proud of you five years ago.
4. Take advantage of free Columbia goodies! Hot chocolate is perfect for warming up the vile corpse you live in.
5. Accept that your body is merely a vessel for pain, which, in the grand scheme of things, is meaningless. Lie down in the snow naked. Scream at passersby that you’re finally ready to surrender to the inevitability of human suffering. Maybe it’ll make her come back.
6. Stay hydrated.
IN OTHER NEWS
“If this is what it takes to mend the racial scars of American society, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Greenwood.
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
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You wear Goodwill; I wear Canada Goose.
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