PREGAME, PURGATORY - Recent reports indicate that Heaven is getting pretty hard to get into. Thousands of lost souls, waiting in a seemingly endless line in front of its trademark pearly gates, have reportedly been buffeted by a veiny man in a wife beater with a holy water tear drop tattoo who goes by Peter. God, occasionally stepping out of the gates with an overhand Solo cup grip, has been trying to keep the place from getting out of control.
One hopeful visitor, former 84 year old Max Hubert, described his experience: “I’ve been pregaming for this thing since the 30s,” Hubert said. "The bouncer asked who I knew inside, and I told the him I just wanted to see my wife again. Apparently, you can only get in if you bring two girls with you.”
Looking around, Hubert shook his head. “You’d think it wouldn’t be that hard, but these younger car accident and drug overdose guys get all the chicks.”
As of press time, God was seen looking around nervously to see if security is near. “If this thing gets any crazier we’re gonna have CAVA show up,” God said. “That’ll clear everyone out.”
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"President Lee Bollinger cited the organization’s 'lack of transparency' and 'ethics concerns' as incongruous with the university’s vision."
“We water the soil with broken dreams, fertilize it with internship offers, and voila, out they come.”
1. Stimulate James McShane to near ecstasy at the mere mention of “theft alert.”
Learn a thing or two from the Fed's wisest.
"Usually we let the admissions process grind them up and spit them out, but we had to step in here."
"Columbia must have been his safety school. Anyone with a dick that nice applied to Harvard early.”
"To all the students emailing me to 'talk about the class,' just drop it. I’m not interested."
"Approach the first hot girl you see, taking the shortest path possible—use Dijkstra’s algorithm here if necessary."