PREGAME, PURGATORY - Recent reports indicate that Heaven is getting pretty hard to get into. Thousands of lost souls, waiting in a seemingly endless line in front of its trademark pearly gates, have reportedly been buffeted by a veiny man in a wife beater with a holy water tear drop tattoo who goes by Peter. God, occasionally stepping out of the gates with an overhand Solo cup grip, has been trying to keep the place from getting out of control.
One hopeful visitor, former 84 year old Max Hubert, described his experience: “I’ve been pregaming for this thing since the 30s,” Hubert said. "The bouncer asked who I knew inside, and I told the him I just wanted to see my wife again. Apparently, you can only get in if you bring two girls with you.”
Looking around, Hubert shook his head. “You’d think it wouldn’t be that hard, but these younger car accident and drug overdose guys get all the chicks.”
As of press time, God was seen looking around nervously to see if security is near. “If this thing gets any crazier we’re gonna have CAVA show up,” God said. “That’ll clear everyone out.”
IN OTHER NEWS
“Listen, there’s only like four openings left in the job market in this country, and I’m not getting left behind because I didn’t do enough resume optimization.”
“The union representative also strongly urged the purchase of 2-liters of Coca-Cola, Sierra Mist, and Hi-C Tropical Punch for each party.”
“A second location is already being planned atop the heap of Fleetwood Mac CD’s forming 100 yards away.”
“What are we going to do about it? Well, first of all, stay out of the tunnels. We cannot stress enough how horny these Super Bats are.”
A Fed article by Sappho.
ANTH4001: HE’S GOT YOUR EYES: BASTARD CHILDREN AND BEYOND: Topics covered will include: burner phones, child support, contraceptive methods, and Zoloft.
At press time, a similar ceremony is being planned for the namesake of Uris Deli; the infamous New York railroad tycoon, Uris J. Deli.
“The tradition of shiny-headed baldness among our sandwich makers is a long and storied one at Milano Market."