PREGAME, PURGATORY - Recent reports indicate that Heaven is getting pretty hard to get into. Thousands of lost souls, waiting in a seemingly endless line in front of its trademark pearly gates, have reportedly been buffeted by a veiny man in a wife beater with a holy water tear drop tattoo who goes by Peter. God, occasionally stepping out of the gates with an overhand Solo cup grip, has been trying to keep the place from getting out of control.
One hopeful visitor, former 84 year old Max Hubert, described his experience: “I’ve been pregaming for this thing since the 30s,” Hubert said. "The bouncer asked who I knew inside, and I told the him I just wanted to see my wife again. Apparently, you can only get in if you bring two girls with you.”
Looking around, Hubert shook his head. “You’d think it wouldn’t be that hard, but these younger car accident and drug overdose guys get all the chicks.”
As of press time, God was seen looking around nervously to see if security is near. “If this thing gets any crazier we’re gonna have CAVA show up,” God said. “That’ll clear everyone out.”
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She is distraught that Joey has not responded to her calls for weeks about his care package and that nice girl from Bacchanal.
You can’t be emasculated by this guy. He’s got a ponytail, 1970s aviator glasses, and pink socks under his L. L. Bean boots.
Sixth Floor: PART OF THE COLUMBIA CS CLUB
Seventh Floor: PROFOUND AND EVERLASTING LONELINESS
Eighth Floor: WRITES FOR SPEC
For your reference, a good rule of thumb for networking is that, if Mo Bamba played in the background for 75% of our conversation, I probably don’t intend to strike up a professional relationship.
“Now, the dipshit’s gone and pissed off Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with the Thousand Young,” Core professor Ricardo Hernandez said.
In his concluding remarks, Bollinger made a surprising revelation: “I have been notified by my ancestors that all lands previously inhabited by the Lenape people have been granted to me, personally.”
Otis Wofford, CC ’22, expressed his discontent with the decision. “Women, men and gender non-conforming folks being a part of the same institution? The social justice warriors are out of control.”
At first we thought our challenges wouldn’t be insurmountable. We thought that with discipline, resolve, and a heavy dose of hard work, Spec would persevere.
But then came the op-eds.
“I’m told at one point, the quiz registered full attendance while only twelve students were in the room,” police chief Marcellus Johnson explained. “Something had to be done.”