PREGAME, PURGATORY - Recent reports indicate that Heaven is getting pretty hard to get into. Thousands of lost souls, waiting in a seemingly endless line in front of its trademark pearly gates, have reportedly been buffeted by a veiny man in a wife beater with a holy water tear drop tattoo who goes by Peter. God, occasionally stepping out of the gates with an overhand Solo cup grip, has been trying to keep the place from getting out of control.
One hopeful visitor, former 84 year old Max Hubert, described his experience: “I’ve been pregaming for this thing since the 30s,” Hubert said. "The bouncer asked who I knew inside, and I told the him I just wanted to see my wife again. Apparently, you can only get in if you bring two girls with you.”
Looking around, Hubert shook his head. “You’d think it wouldn’t be that hard, but these younger car accident and drug overdose guys get all the chicks.”
As of press time, God was seen looking around nervously to see if security is near. “If this thing gets any crazier we’re gonna have CAVA show up,” God said. “That’ll clear everyone out.”
IN OTHER NEWS
In response to the news, Associate Director of Residential Life Scott Helfrich told the Federalist: “The safety of our undergraduate students is our top concern. But if students decide to act irresponsibly and binge-drink in their dorms, it isn’t our fault that they’re lightweights.”
Thorpe’s fingers finally gave out, breaking last week in the middle of ADP Open Mic Night. Doctors speculate that significant damage was also incurred during his favorite class, Literature and Intersectional Feminism.
In the beginning of March in her sophomore year, she has scheduled an existential meltdown about her direction in life."
Reveal concerning emotional trauma in a creative writing workshop and then cry into your professor’s arms.
Hailing from St. Cloud, Minnesota, Wilson proceeded to sit down and tell his coastal friends “how darn freezing it was back home.”
“Now that I am here, though I’ve faced unspeakable acts of discrimination. So far, my below-average intelligence, glossy hair, and AmEx Black in my father’s name have been enough to carry me through life. I mean, they got me into this school.”
“If he isn’t the heir to a wildly successful American corporation, then why does he have so many pairs of leather Chelsea boots?”
“Fuck, there’s probably more.”