WHITE HOUSE NORTH, NEW YORK - Since the dawn of politically-correct secularists, religious freedom has come under attack in the United States. With only a little more than a month before his inauguration, President-Elect Trump has already pledged to take action against left-wing extremists as the nation approaches a particularly dangerous holiday season. Trump promised this week to deploy 10,000 troops to fight the war on Christmas.
Threats to Christmas have sprung up everywhere over the past decade, but mostly on the coasts. From the erasure of Christmas imagery on Starbucks cups to the fervent celebration of Festivus by heathen Seinfeld idolaters, the cultural war between God-fearing Americans and their militant secularist counterparts has already claimed dozens of lives. Just this week, a lonely mall Santa in Minneapolis died of alcohol poisoning after a little boy wished him “Happy Holidays.” Rumors are circulating that Kris Kringle himself is the next target.
“We’re putting boots on the ground, and we’re putting bells on those boots,” Trump told The Federalist. The troops will be lead by James Mattis and Rudolph “the Brown-Nosing” Giuliani.
IN OTHER NEWS
“What the hell am I supposed to tell people…‘I'm from the Northeast'? Like I’m just gonna lump Rhode Island in there too? Jesus Christ.”
"As of press time, a full four minutes after class was supposed to end, Timmons was seen transitioning into an involved monologue about the finer points of Thucydides’ sexuality."
"At first I thought it was strange that he seemed to be tuning the piano, which seemed to be in working condition; but real Hell broke loose when we realized the doors were locked."
"It’s time for us to start including people from all walks of life: Kyle's, Anderson's, maybe even a Quinn if we’re feeling adventurous. Literally just one person that isn’t named Dylan. That’d be ill.”
"We looked into each other’s eyes, and then we both knew, just like that. It felt so natural. It was a really special moment.”
"President Bollinger has already announced a rare Monday holiday to commemorate the student's brave achievement."
"Items found at the scene included a copy of Walter Benjamin’s Illuminations, 15 pairs of rose-colored sunglasses, five inflatable palm trees (deflated), three Pax vaporizers, and a bust of David."
"Gutierrez is currently accepting students for his four-hour seminar entitled 'How to Intersperse Sophisticated Words to Augment Your Intellectual Comportment.' It takes place on Sunday, October 14th from 2–5 p.m. in the Carman basement lounge."
"Bruce Portnoy CC '20 has fully embraced an existence stripped of any enjoyment, spending hours upon hours in his room, loudly wishing those in the Floor Lounge 'would just stop it.'"