WHITE HOUSE NORTH, NEW YORK - Since the dawn of politically-correct secularists, religious freedom has come under attack in the United States. With only a little more than a month before his inauguration, President-Elect Trump has already pledged to take action against left-wing extremists as the nation approaches a particularly dangerous holiday season. Trump promised this week to deploy 10,000 troops to fight the war on Christmas.
Threats to Christmas have sprung up everywhere over the past decade, but mostly on the coasts. From the erasure of Christmas imagery on Starbucks cups to the fervent celebration of Festivus by heathen Seinfeld idolaters, the cultural war between God-fearing Americans and their militant secularist counterparts has already claimed dozens of lives. Just this week, a lonely mall Santa in Minneapolis died of alcohol poisoning after a little boy wished him “Happy Holidays.” Rumors are circulating that Kris Kringle himself is the next target.
“We’re putting boots on the ground, and we’re putting bells on those boots,” Trump told The Federalist. The troops will be lead by James Mattis and Rudolph “the Brown-Nosing” Giuliani.
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“Going to school in Manhattan guarantees a jam-packed schedule of posing for group pictures, spending $300 on bottle service, and Juuling on the Le Bain terrace.”
“I know it’s totally quirky to like a film star from the fifties, but Audrey is just such a fashion icon.”
“You mean I can get a degree for talking about kicking it with the boys, crushing a few brews, maybe even hitting the gym?”
“Listen, there’s only like four openings left in the job market in this country, and I’m not getting left behind because I didn’t do enough resume optimization.”
“The union representative also strongly urged the purchase of 2-liters of Coca-Cola, Sierra Mist, and Hi-C Tropical Punch for each party.”
“A second location is already being planned atop the heap of Fleetwood Mac CD’s forming 100 yards away.”
“What are we going to do about it? Well, first of all, stay out of the tunnels. We cannot stress enough how horny these Super Bats are.”
A Fed article by Sappho.