WHITE HOUSE NORTH, NEW YORK - Since the dawn of politically-correct secularists, religious freedom has come under attack in the United States. With only a little more than a month before his inauguration, President-Elect Trump has already pledged to take action against left-wing extremists as the nation approaches a particularly dangerous holiday season. Trump promised this week to deploy 10,000 troops to fight the war on Christmas.
Threats to Christmas have sprung up everywhere over the past decade, but mostly on the coasts. From the erasure of Christmas imagery on Starbucks cups to the fervent celebration of Festivus by heathen Seinfeld idolaters, the cultural war between God-fearing Americans and their militant secularist counterparts has already claimed dozens of lives. Just this week, a lonely mall Santa in Minneapolis died of alcohol poisoning after a little boy wished him “Happy Holidays.” Rumors are circulating that Kris Kringle himself is the next target.
“We’re putting boots on the ground, and we’re putting bells on those boots,” Trump told The Federalist. The troops will be lead by James Mattis and Rudolph “the Brown-Nosing” Giuliani.
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She is distraught that Joey has not responded to her calls for weeks about his care package and that nice girl from Bacchanal.
You can’t be emasculated by this guy. He’s got a ponytail, 1970s aviator glasses, and pink socks under his L. L. Bean boots.
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For your reference, a good rule of thumb for networking is that, if Mo Bamba played in the background for 75% of our conversation, I probably don’t intend to strike up a professional relationship.
“Now, the dipshit’s gone and pissed off Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with the Thousand Young,” Core professor Ricardo Hernandez said.
In his concluding remarks, Bollinger made a surprising revelation: “I have been notified by my ancestors that all lands previously inhabited by the Lenape people have been granted to me, personally.”
Otis Wofford, CC ’22, expressed his discontent with the decision. “Women, men and gender non-conforming folks being a part of the same institution? The social justice warriors are out of control.”
At first we thought our challenges wouldn’t be insurmountable. We thought that with discipline, resolve, and a heavy dose of hard work, Spec would persevere.
But then came the op-eds.
“I’m told at one point, the quiz registered full attendance while only twelve students were in the room,” police chief Marcellus Johnson explained. “Something had to be done.”