BROADWAY – Mike Pence’s recent foray into the theatre community left thousands of Americans in an outrage, promising to boycott the show they once held so dear to their hearts. Although Hamilton tickets are still sold out until 2037, local contrarian Brian James is glad to have a reason to voice his dislike of the popular musical. Often referred to as a cultural phenomenon, James thinks that it’s honestly just overrated.
“I mean, I’ve never actually seen it, but the way people go on and on about it, you’d think it was the second coming of Christ or some shit,” he said. “One word against Hamilton, and suddenly you’re seen as ‘uncultured swine’ and a ‘loser.’ I’m tired of being ostracized for my views.”
As the anti-Hamilton sentiment is being normalized, James vows to stand in solidarity with all those who feel personally victimized by Pence’s offensive decision to go see the cultural phenomenon. While James couldn’t give two shits about Mike Pence, any reason to proclaim “fuck Hamilton” is good enough for him.
IN OTHER NEWS
"This is a sign. I'm really going to graduate at the top of my class!" proclaimed pre-frosh Ji Hong Lee, mere months before he will pitch a sad, little tent in Riverside Park.
While undergrads are provided with all of the resources necessary for safe sex (twin beds, unlubricated condoms, inconsistent erections) high school students are offered all of these resources, in addition to sexually suggestive lanyards.
"The complete eradication of the farm, totaled at 227 ants, was initially attributed to the 13 days the package spent on a poorly ventilated, sunless shelf in Wien, during which time Michaels reportedly attempted to muster up the testicular fortitude to interact with the package staffer."
"President Lee Bollinger cited the organization’s 'lack of transparency' and 'ethics concerns' as incongruous with the university’s vision."
“We water the soil with broken dreams, fertilize it with internship offers, and voila, out they come.”
1. Stimulate James McShane to near ecstasy at the mere mention of “theft alert.”
Learn a thing or two from the Fed's wisest.
"Usually we let the admissions process grind them up and spit them out, but we had to step in here."
"Columbia must have been his safety school. Anyone with a dick that nice applied to Harvard early.”