BROADWAY – Mike Pence’s recent foray into the theatre community left thousands of Americans in an outrage, promising to boycott the show they once held so dear to their hearts. Although Hamilton tickets are still sold out until 2037, local contrarian Brian James is glad to have a reason to voice his dislike of the popular musical. Often referred to as a cultural phenomenon, James thinks that it’s honestly just overrated.
“I mean, I’ve never actually seen it, but the way people go on and on about it, you’d think it was the second coming of Christ or some shit,” he said. “One word against Hamilton, and suddenly you’re seen as ‘uncultured swine’ and a ‘loser.’ I’m tired of being ostracized for my views.”
As the anti-Hamilton sentiment is being normalized, James vows to stand in solidarity with all those who feel personally victimized by Pence’s offensive decision to go see the cultural phenomenon. While James couldn’t give two shits about Mike Pence, any reason to proclaim “fuck Hamilton” is good enough for him.
IN OTHER NEWS
“What the hell am I supposed to tell people…‘I'm from the Northeast'? Like I’m just gonna lump Rhode Island in there too? Jesus Christ.”
"As of press time, a full four minutes after class was supposed to end, Timmons was seen transitioning into an involved monologue about the finer points of Thucydides’ sexuality."
"At first I thought it was strange that he seemed to be tuning the piano, which seemed to be in working condition; but real Hell broke loose when we realized the doors were locked."
"It’s time for us to start including people from all walks of life: Kyle's, Anderson's, maybe even a Quinn if we’re feeling adventurous. Literally just one person that isn’t named Dylan. That’d be ill.”
"We looked into each other’s eyes, and then we both knew, just like that. It felt so natural. It was a really special moment.”
"President Bollinger has already announced a rare Monday holiday to commemorate the student's brave achievement."
"Items found at the scene included a copy of Walter Benjamin’s Illuminations, 15 pairs of rose-colored sunglasses, five inflatable palm trees (deflated), three Pax vaporizers, and a bust of David."
"Gutierrez is currently accepting students for his four-hour seminar entitled 'How to Intersperse Sophisticated Words to Augment Your Intellectual Comportment.' It takes place on Sunday, October 14th from 2–5 p.m. in the Carman basement lounge."
"Bruce Portnoy CC '20 has fully embraced an existence stripped of any enjoyment, spending hours upon hours in his room, loudly wishing those in the Floor Lounge 'would just stop it.'"