SUBURBIA — Earlier this week, reports confirmed That Guy still has his lights up from last Christmas. Area residents remain unsure as to exactly why, , but that hasn’t stopped a fierce debate from erupting across the community.
Some from the neighborhood had harsh words for him. “What a loser,” said his next-door neighbor Alison Haggard. “Doesn’t he know that you’re supposed to buy new lights every year? This is Westchester County, not fucking Detroit. ”
“It’s bad enough that he kept them up past New Year’s,” lamented Billy Boyle from across the street. But now it’s gotten to the point that I need to speak to my children about it. What am I supposed to say when they ask why our lights aren’t up anymore? Now this savage makes me look like the lame dad.”
Flora Travieso, from the other side of the block, offered nicer words, saying, “I really appreciate how he rejects the commercialism of the holidays by having his house covered with flashing lights year-round. Really makes you think.”
That Guy simply gives a nonchalant shrug to the constant comments and complaints from his neighbors. “If I’m being honest, I should keep them up all year, every year,” he commented. “I don’t really have anything else going on.”
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At press time, a similar ceremony is being planned for the namesake of Uris Deli; the infamous New York railroad tycoon, Uris J. Deli.
“The tradition of shiny-headed baldness among our sandwich makers is a long and storied one at Milano Market."