SUBURBIA — Earlier this week, reports confirmed That Guy still has his lights up from last Christmas. Area residents remain unsure as to exactly why, , but that hasn’t stopped a fierce debate from erupting across the community.
Some from the neighborhood had harsh words for him. “What a loser,” said his next-door neighbor Alison Haggard. “Doesn’t he know that you’re supposed to buy new lights every year? This is Westchester County, not fucking Detroit. ”
“It’s bad enough that he kept them up past New Year’s,” lamented Billy Boyle from across the street. But now it’s gotten to the point that I need to speak to my children about it. What am I supposed to say when they ask why our lights aren’t up anymore? Now this savage makes me look like the lame dad.”
Flora Travieso, from the other side of the block, offered nicer words, saying, “I really appreciate how he rejects the commercialism of the holidays by having his house covered with flashing lights year-round. Really makes you think.”
That Guy simply gives a nonchalant shrug to the constant comments and complaints from his neighbors. “If I’m being honest, I should keep them up all year, every year,” he commented. “I don’t really have anything else going on.”
IN OTHER NEWS
"At press time, students across campus remained too scared of Gunderson to tell him to speed the fuck up."
"With asexuality, you're essentially calling yourself your own boss. Good for freelancers and executives, though less effective for those looking to get in at the ground level of a major corporation, where most of the work will likely be collaborative."
“What the hell am I supposed to tell people…‘I'm from the Northeast'? Like I’m just gonna lump Rhode Island in there too? Jesus Christ.”
"As of press time, a full four minutes after class was supposed to end, Timmons was seen transitioning into an involved monologue about the finer points of Thucydides’ sexuality."
"At first I thought it was strange that he seemed to be tuning the piano, which seemed to be in working condition; but real Hell broke loose when we realized the doors were locked."
"It’s time for us to start including people from all walks of life: Kyle's, Anderson's, maybe even a Quinn if we’re feeling adventurous. Literally just one person that isn’t named Dylan. That’d be ill.”
"We looked into each other’s eyes, and then we both knew, just like that. It felt so natural. It was a really special moment.”
"President Bollinger has already announced a rare Monday holiday to commemorate the student's brave achievement."
"Items found at the scene included a copy of Walter Benjamin’s Illuminations, 15 pairs of rose-colored sunglasses, five inflatable palm trees (deflated), three Pax vaporizers, and a bust of David."