SUBURBIA — Earlier this week, reports confirmed That Guy still has his lights up from last Christmas. Area residents remain unsure as to exactly why, , but that hasn’t stopped a fierce debate from erupting across the community.
Some from the neighborhood had harsh words for him. “What a loser,” said his next-door neighbor Alison Haggard. “Doesn’t he know that you’re supposed to buy new lights every year? This is Westchester County, not fucking Detroit. ”
“It’s bad enough that he kept them up past New Year’s,” lamented Billy Boyle from across the street. But now it’s gotten to the point that I need to speak to my children about it. What am I supposed to say when they ask why our lights aren’t up anymore? Now this savage makes me look like the lame dad.”
Flora Travieso, from the other side of the block, offered nicer words, saying, “I really appreciate how he rejects the commercialism of the holidays by having his house covered with flashing lights year-round. Really makes you think.”
That Guy simply gives a nonchalant shrug to the constant comments and complaints from his neighbors. “If I’m being honest, I should keep them up all year, every year,” he commented. “I don’t really have anything else going on.”
IN OTHER NEWS
"A couple people even took the fliers I printed out in Butler this morning, so I think the word is really starting to get out.”
“You set out thinking you’ll check one quick fact, and before you know it, you’re asking yourself, ‘Hmm, what is brutalism really?’"
“Those residents will be thanking us once they’ve tasted their first salad from Sweetgreen.”
"If I need to choose between cultural sensitivity and blacking out in an 'I Put the Double D’s in St. Paddy’s Day' crop top, pour me a shot.”
"Asked what other things he liked about McKinsey, Johnstone said, 'Well, it’s the best one. Like it’s on Forbes and shit.'”
“I even moved some girl’s warm bra and panties to check for my virginity underneath...but it was nowhere to be found."
“I’m not asking for much. I mean, don’t be so stingy! A small $50,000 gift will suffice to give my Audi a 6-inch lift.”
"It may be hard work, but we will never stop policing injustices as long as doing so draws attention to our social media presence.”
"Program participants will receive an engraved Brown University bong, readily available for purchase at the university bookstore for $39.95."