SUBURBIA — Earlier this week, reports confirmed That Guy still has his lights up from last Christmas. Area residents remain unsure as to exactly why, , but that hasn’t stopped a fierce debate from erupting across the community.
Some from the neighborhood had harsh words for him. “What a loser,” said his next-door neighbor Alison Haggard. “Doesn’t he know that you’re supposed to buy new lights every year? This is Westchester County, not fucking Detroit. ”
“It’s bad enough that he kept them up past New Year’s,” lamented Billy Boyle from across the street. But now it’s gotten to the point that I need to speak to my children about it. What am I supposed to say when they ask why our lights aren’t up anymore? Now this savage makes me look like the lame dad.”
Flora Travieso, from the other side of the block, offered nicer words, saying, “I really appreciate how he rejects the commercialism of the holidays by having his house covered with flashing lights year-round. Really makes you think.”
That Guy simply gives a nonchalant shrug to the constant comments and complaints from his neighbors. “If I’m being honest, I should keep them up all year, every year,” he commented. “I don’t really have anything else going on.”
IN OTHER NEWS
In response to the news, Associate Director of Residential Life Scott Helfrich told the Federalist: “The safety of our undergraduate students is our top concern. But if students decide to act irresponsibly and binge-drink in their dorms, it isn’t our fault that they’re lightweights.”
Thorpe’s fingers finally gave out, breaking last week in the middle of ADP Open Mic Night. Doctors speculate that significant damage was also incurred during his favorite class, Literature and Intersectional Feminism.
In the beginning of March in her sophomore year, she has scheduled an existential meltdown about her direction in life."
Reveal concerning emotional trauma in a creative writing workshop and then cry into your professor’s arms.
Hailing from St. Cloud, Minnesota, Wilson proceeded to sit down and tell his coastal friends “how darn freezing it was back home.”
“Now that I am here, though I’ve faced unspeakable acts of discrimination. So far, my below-average intelligence, glossy hair, and AmEx Black in my father’s name have been enough to carry me through life. I mean, they got me into this school.”
“If he isn’t the heir to a wildly successful American corporation, then why does he have so many pairs of leather Chelsea boots?”
“Fuck, there’s probably more.”