SUBURBIA — Earlier this week, reports confirmed That Guy still has his lights up from last Christmas. Area residents remain unsure as to exactly why, , but that hasn’t stopped a fierce debate from erupting across the community.
Some from the neighborhood had harsh words for him. “What a loser,” said his next-door neighbor Alison Haggard. “Doesn’t he know that you’re supposed to buy new lights every year? This is Westchester County, not fucking Detroit. ”
“It’s bad enough that he kept them up past New Year’s,” lamented Billy Boyle from across the street. But now it’s gotten to the point that I need to speak to my children about it. What am I supposed to say when they ask why our lights aren’t up anymore? Now this savage makes me look like the lame dad.”
Flora Travieso, from the other side of the block, offered nicer words, saying, “I really appreciate how he rejects the commercialism of the holidays by having his house covered with flashing lights year-round. Really makes you think.”
That Guy simply gives a nonchalant shrug to the constant comments and complaints from his neighbors. “If I’m being honest, I should keep them up all year, every year,” he commented. “I don’t really have anything else going on.”
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She is distraught that Joey has not responded to her calls for weeks about his care package and that nice girl from Bacchanal.
You can’t be emasculated by this guy. He’s got a ponytail, 1970s aviator glasses, and pink socks under his L. L. Bean boots.
Sixth Floor: PART OF THE COLUMBIA CS CLUB
Seventh Floor: PROFOUND AND EVERLASTING LONELINESS
Eighth Floor: WRITES FOR SPEC
For your reference, a good rule of thumb for networking is that, if Mo Bamba played in the background for 75% of our conversation, I probably don’t intend to strike up a professional relationship.
“Now, the dipshit’s gone and pissed off Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with the Thousand Young,” Core professor Ricardo Hernandez said.
In his concluding remarks, Bollinger made a surprising revelation: “I have been notified by my ancestors that all lands previously inhabited by the Lenape people have been granted to me, personally.”
Otis Wofford, CC ’22, expressed his discontent with the decision. “Women, men and gender non-conforming folks being a part of the same institution? The social justice warriors are out of control.”
At first we thought our challenges wouldn’t be insurmountable. We thought that with discipline, resolve, and a heavy dose of hard work, Spec would persevere.
But then came the op-eds.
“I’m told at one point, the quiz registered full attendance while only twelve students were in the room,” police chief Marcellus Johnson explained. “Something had to be done.”