COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY — In order to cut costs, JJ’s Place has removed the iconic bowl of M&Ms it keeps in the corner next to the “salad” and fat (fun)-free frozen yogurt. The scandalous move was made after a quick look at Dining’s monthly receipts showed that just over 50% of JJ’s budget was being allocated to industrial-sized bags of the confection.
“This is going to be a big savings for the Columbia Dining team,” Executive Director Vicki Dunn was quoted as saying. “We can use the surplus to buy new oil for the deep fryer, or invest in real hot sauce.”
“We knew that the damn bowl would always empty faster than we could fill it, but I had no clue how bad the problem was until now,” commented manager Christina Apollonio. “Honestly, I don’t know how we didn’t catch this sooner. These kids are fat little bastards.”
Quite a number of students were outraged over the move. “This is ridiculous,” said incensed diabetic Gary Klein CC ‘18. “What are they going to get rid of next? That case of stale popcorn?”
“I pay $5,000 a year for this,” he continued. “What good is the money if they get rid of the only edible food there?”
IN OTHER NEWS
4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.
"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"
"Just what I need to deliver an understated, disinterested broadcast."
"I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut."
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.