COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY — In order to cut costs, JJ’s Place has removed the iconic bowl of M&Ms it keeps in the corner next to the “salad” and fat (fun)-free frozen yogurt. The scandalous move was made after a quick look at Dining’s monthly receipts showed that just over 50% of JJ’s budget was being allocated to industrial-sized bags of the confection.
“This is going to be a big savings for the Columbia Dining team,” Executive Director Vicki Dunn was quoted as saying. “We can use the surplus to buy new oil for the deep fryer, or invest in real hot sauce.”
“We knew that the damn bowl would always empty faster than we could fill it, but I had no clue how bad the problem was until now,” commented manager Christina Apollonio. “Honestly, I don’t know how we didn’t catch this sooner. These kids are fat little bastards.”
Quite a number of students were outraged over the move. “This is ridiculous,” said incensed diabetic Gary Klein CC ‘18. “What are they going to get rid of next? That case of stale popcorn?”
“I pay $5,000 a year for this,” he continued. “What good is the money if they get rid of the only edible food there?”
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“If this is what it takes to mend the racial scars of American society, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Greenwood.
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
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