BUTLER - Recently, Columbia’s campus erupted into debate when Vice Provost Ann Thornton announced that the marching band would not be allowed to hold Orgo Night in Butler 209, citing its disruptiveness to students attempting to study.
“We want to make sure everyone has the right to work without interference,” said Thornton. “Nobody should have to be rudely interrupted midway through their pricey Adderall bender by that kind of frivolity.”
"Columbia prides itself in taking the financial needs of its students very seriously,” added Thornton. “We know that many people here work extremely hard to fit Adderall dependencies into their tight budgets, and we would hate for them to feel as though this work was wasted. Who wants to take an hour out of their frenzied Adderall binge to watch a bunch of malnourished tuba players perform some mediocre comedy?”
When asked if she was aware that holding Orgo Night in 209 was one of Columbia’s few flimsy community-building traditions, Thornton was surprisingly optimistic. She expressed hope that other unifying traditions, like never finding a goddamn seat at peak Ferris times, smashing into the Lerner turnstiles because the ID scanners are garbage, and watching “Would You Eat This Homemade Gummy Chicken?” on YouTube from 5 to 7 A.M. in Ref Room to drown procrastination-fueled self-loathing in sufficient visual and auditory stimulation for one sweet moment, will tide students over until they can find actual social bonds after graduation.
"I've been good this week, and I should treat myself," said Freddy Simone, 25, after seven days spent doing the bare minimum at his job.
Mr. Ducovich was unfazed by the water; he removed his “Grill Master” t-shirt, and eagerly waded to the pool’s deep end. “Kids, don’t listen to your mother, it’s actually really refreshing,” he said.
“We realized no grocer in the nation gives customers the choice of whether to bid or buy now, which made us think: ‘Why not let people enter bidding wars for that last dry Lo Mein under the heating lamp?’”
"Not saying I wanted the full sabotage apparatus, but a few measly articles about Obama’s forged birth certificate would have really come in handy when Sarah Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper.”
"If you have the border wall, you already have the two countries. Problem solved."
President Trump discreetly spat gum into his paper, before crumpling it and stuffing it in the Wall.
"Let me bury my secrets deep inside that expensive leather man-bag you keep strapped to your lanky midwestern frame."
"These people don’t speak English and no one here has watched Stranger Things."
"'Bucko’, ‘champ’, ‘squirt’, ‘Ralph Waldo Emerson’ and even ‘slutbag’ have been names used by Mr. Connelly to refer to his son."