FUR-FILLED SWEATSHOP, BUTLER - In an overwhelming majority, dogs from Columbia’s Stressbusters puppy break program have voted 7-3 in favor of joining the Representative Union of Furry Friends (RUFF). With broad support from students, faculty, and the ASPCA, the Columbia puppies are the first in the country to take such a move. These pups are cute, cuddly, and passionate about collective bargaining!
Speaking on behalf of the dogs, Muffin, an adorable Teacup Yorkie, told reporters that the vote was motivated by a desire to have a paw at the negotiating table.
“We’re not just going to sit and stay for the administration anymore,” said Muffin. “We’re tired of begging at President Bollinger’s table, and now we’re going to have our barks heard.”
Anticipated demands from the new union include more frequent pee breaks, a pay raise of up to three milk bones a day, and time limits on visits from PTSD-addled GS students.
The unionization vote has drawn support from Columbia’s community of adjunct puppies, who have been making moves towards a unionization effort of their own.
"We used to get tenure - you could expect to spend a couple years rolling over and playing fetch with a guarantee that the position would be permanent,” said Statchmo, a 6-month-old Pomeranian adjunct pupper. “But now we're shuffling between five universities in the tri-state area, just trying to make ends meet. Have you ever been pet by a Fordham Student? It's ugly."
Stachmo wagged his tail pensively before continuing. “The unionization movement is one bone we’re not going to bury.”