PUPIN - Operating on a $500 million grant from the Every Woman On Earth Foundation, the Columbia Department of Physics announced on Wednesday its plans to research, and hopefully discover, the boundaries of the male ego.
In what Scientific American has called the “final frontier” of phallic physics, the project hopes to illuminate the extent to which men will go to maintain their socially-constructed sense of superiority.
Professor Emeritus Angela Agnew, Ph.D, will oversee the project with a team of forty-two scientists in Morningside Heights. “We will be introducing our male test subjects to a variety of women’s equality measures,” Agnew reported, “and recording the percentage of these gender-balancing practices they aim to destroy. By giving our subjects complete control of decisions affecting women’s careers, families and bodies, we hope to quantify once and for all the male capacity to maintain social hierarchies and to discover where, if anywhere, our subjects will draw the line.”
Agnew’s team will primarily conduct the study in Washington D.C., but data will be collected from all corners of the nation, as the laws of douchiness know no geographic bounds. The study is set to begin as soon as the husbands of the female scientists on the project agree to assume childcare duties for the duration of the experiment. As of press time, they have not agreed to these terms, and have departed for a “bro’s weekend” in Atlantic City.
IN OTHER NEWS
“I care about each and every undergrad in my section.”
“The union representative also strongly urged the purchase of 2-liters of Coca-Cola, Sierra Mist, and Hi-C Tropical Punch for each party.”
“A second location is already being planned atop the heap of Fleetwood Mac CD’s forming 100 yards away.”
“What are we going to do about it? Well, first of all, stay out of the tunnels. We cannot stress enough how horny these Super Bats are.”
A Fed article by Sappho.
ANTH4001: HE’S GOT YOUR EYES: BASTARD CHILDREN AND BEYOND: Topics covered will include: burner phones, child support, contraceptive methods, and Zoloft.
At press time, a similar ceremony is being planned for the namesake of Uris Deli; the infamous New York railroad tycoon, Uris J. Deli.
“The tradition of shiny-headed baldness among our sandwich makers is a long and storied one at Milano Market."