PUPIN - Operating on a $500 million grant from the Every Woman On Earth Foundation, the Columbia Department of Physics announced on Wednesday its plans to research, and hopefully discover, the boundaries of the male ego.
In what Scientific American has called the “final frontier” of phallic physics, the project hopes to illuminate the extent to which men will go to maintain their socially-constructed sense of superiority.
Professor Emeritus Angela Agnew, Ph.D, will oversee the project with a team of forty-two scientists in Morningside Heights. “We will be introducing our male test subjects to a variety of women’s equality measures,” Agnew reported, “and recording the percentage of these gender-balancing practices they aim to destroy. By giving our subjects complete control of decisions affecting women’s careers, families and bodies, we hope to quantify once and for all the male capacity to maintain social hierarchies and to discover where, if anywhere, our subjects will draw the line.”
Agnew’s team will primarily conduct the study in Washington D.C., but data will be collected from all corners of the nation, as the laws of douchiness know no geographic bounds. The study is set to begin as soon as the husbands of the female scientists on the project agree to assume childcare duties for the duration of the experiment. As of press time, they have not agreed to these terms, and have departed for a “bro’s weekend” in Atlantic City.
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"Soon, sweetheart," cooed the 54-year-old professor's mother . "It'll come sooner if you fall asleep."
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"Coach kept telling us, ‘Guys, you’re a damn talented group, and I know you can win games. You gotta stay focused on winning! Because if you keep losing, you’re gonna know the sting inside my spanking tent.’"
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"In an increasingly interconnected world, we at the Office of Global Programs are hoping that a trip up to Union Theological Seminary or down into Lehman can be reframed as its own rich adventure!"