PUPIN - Operating on a $500 million grant from the Every Woman On Earth Foundation, the Columbia Department of Physics announced on Wednesday its plans to research, and hopefully discover, the boundaries of the male ego.
In what Scientific American has called the “final frontier” of phallic physics, the project hopes to illuminate the extent to which men will go to maintain their socially-constructed sense of superiority.
Professor Emeritus Angela Agnew, Ph.D, will oversee the project with a team of forty-two scientists in Morningside Heights. “We will be introducing our male test subjects to a variety of women’s equality measures,” Agnew reported, “and recording the percentage of these gender-balancing practices they aim to destroy. By giving our subjects complete control of decisions affecting women’s careers, families and bodies, we hope to quantify once and for all the male capacity to maintain social hierarchies and to discover where, if anywhere, our subjects will draw the line.”
Agnew’s team will primarily conduct the study in Washington D.C., but data will be collected from all corners of the nation, as the laws of douchiness know no geographic bounds. The study is set to begin as soon as the husbands of the female scientists on the project agree to assume childcare duties for the duration of the experiment. As of press time, they have not agreed to these terms, and have departed for a “bro’s weekend” in Atlantic City.
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She is distraught that Joey has not responded to her calls for weeks about his care package and that nice girl from Bacchanal.
You can’t be emasculated by this guy. He’s got a ponytail, 1970s aviator glasses, and pink socks under his L. L. Bean boots.
Sixth Floor: PART OF THE COLUMBIA CS CLUB
Seventh Floor: PROFOUND AND EVERLASTING LONELINESS
Eighth Floor: WRITES FOR SPEC
For your reference, a good rule of thumb for networking is that, if Mo Bamba played in the background for 75% of our conversation, I probably don’t intend to strike up a professional relationship.
“Now, the dipshit’s gone and pissed off Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with the Thousand Young,” Core professor Ricardo Hernandez said.
In his concluding remarks, Bollinger made a surprising revelation: “I have been notified by my ancestors that all lands previously inhabited by the Lenape people have been granted to me, personally.”
Otis Wofford, CC ’22, expressed his discontent with the decision. “Women, men and gender non-conforming folks being a part of the same institution? The social justice warriors are out of control.”
At first we thought our challenges wouldn’t be insurmountable. We thought that with discipline, resolve, and a heavy dose of hard work, Spec would persevere.
But then came the op-eds.
“I’m told at one point, the quiz registered full attendance while only twelve students were in the room,” police chief Marcellus Johnson explained. “Something had to be done.”