New York, NY - New York City was put on high alert Monday night following the most recent of a series of senseless acts of terror. Three bombs, which investigators say contained glitter, hair product, and George Michael CDs, were scattered across the Village. Local police have released street footage of potential suspects parading around the streets, shouting in high-pitched voices and carrying multi-colored flags.
Sadly, a large number of innocent bystanders suffered third-degree sparkles that will take three weeks of showers to cure. Still, Mount Sinai Hospital Emergency Room doctor Jacob Greenblatt said the victims looked “drop dead gorgeous.”
In the wake of the tragedy, Republican nominee Donald J. Trump has altered his first hundred days plan. Trump, a native New Yorker, has condemned those at fault, which he refers to as “some GLAAD hombres” and has proposed a nationwide travel ban against all well-dressed individuals. “They could just be European,” Trump said. “But we won’t take any chances.”
Trump has also put forth a plan to vet suspicious Americans by creating a task force to monitor and question every individual found frequenting back-room glory holes, wearing patterned headscarves, and chanting “Yaaaaas Queeeeen!”
Many of Trump’s GOP colleagues supported his proposals. Former Pennsylvania Senator and likely homosexual Rick Santorum stated: “Places frequented by god-fearing Americans like me have succumbed to fierce acts of violence. You can no longer have a nice family meal at the Flaming Saddle without a drag queen threatening to death drop everywhere.”
Trump has also called for a widespread governmental effort to stop al-GLAAD from disseminating its online recruitment videos targeted at impressionable young Americans, beginning with Project Runway and reruns of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
As Trump rises in the polls and Americans begin to rally against their new domestic threat, Trump has repeatedly pointed out Hillary Clinton’s refusal to call the threat by its name: Radical Homosexual Terrorism.
As of press time, three suspects with glitter residue under their fingernails have been taken in for questioning and asked to lipsync for their lives.