SOUP BAR, JOHN JAY - Sara Lou CC ’20 received grim medical news this week. The freshman was diagnosed with a grave infectious disorder—a diagnosis to which she responded by leaping out of her seat, throwing her Lit Hum books in the air, and rejoicing.
“The doctor told me I’m highly contagious, probably to a dangerous level. So I definitely won’t be able to make it to class,” she cheerfully informed her friends as she euphorically closed all twelve Courseworks tabs on her computer and logged into Netflix.
“Yup, it’s extremely severe. I’ll be bedridden for the next five days, unless my condition worsens, in which case I might have to be hospitalized and it could be many more,” she added with glee as she swept the piles of schoolwork on her desk to the ground.
When asked about reports from her concerned friends about her search history, which contains such items as “how to give self life-threatening illness quickly” and “where can i find ebola,” as well as, “can i write a 10 page APA paper in 2 hours,” Sara denied all knowledge.
Lou also added a Facebook status, asserting that “no one understands my pain,” and forewarning questioners that such a serious illness is not to be trivialized for personal gain.
IN OTHER NEWS
4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.
"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"
"Just what I need to deliver an understated, disinterested broadcast."
"I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut."
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.