SOUP BAR, JOHN JAY - Sara Lou CC ’20 received grim medical news this week. The freshman was diagnosed with a grave infectious disorder—a diagnosis to which she responded by leaping out of her seat, throwing her Lit Hum books in the air, and rejoicing.
“The doctor told me I’m highly contagious, probably to a dangerous level. So I definitely won’t be able to make it to class,” she cheerfully informed her friends as she euphorically closed all twelve Courseworks tabs on her computer and logged into Netflix.
“Yup, it’s extremely severe. I’ll be bedridden for the next five days, unless my condition worsens, in which case I might have to be hospitalized and it could be many more,” she added with glee as she swept the piles of schoolwork on her desk to the ground.
When asked about reports from her concerned friends about her search history, which contains such items as “how to give self life-threatening illness quickly” and “where can i find ebola,” as well as, “can i write a 10 page APA paper in 2 hours,” Sara denied all knowledge.
Lou also added a Facebook status, asserting that “no one understands my pain,” and forewarning questioners that such a serious illness is not to be trivialized for personal gain.
IN OTHER NEWS
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
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