JOHN JAY - Effective starting the spring 2017 semester, Columbia dining halls will offer trigger warning stickers. In addition to the current selection of gluten-free, vegetarian, vegan, nut, and dairy stickers, foods labelled with “TW” will denote a dish which has the potential to induce a traumatic and life-threatening response simply by looking at it.
Christina Lee, Columbia’s registered dietician, stated that all food items will have a trigger warning, except for kale for obvious reasons. “We hope this change will help Columbia Dining be more welcoming and friendly to its victims,” said Lee. “We also hope that this change will distract your attention from the poor quality of food until we come up with another gimmick, like locally sourced beets.”
Overall, the new change has been well-received by students. “I can’t tell you how many times I have been traumatized by seeing meatloaf and fries without trigger warnings in John Jay Dining Hall,” said Natasha Brown CC ’19. “Now I can finally eat in peace, knowing the dining halls are going to be a safer space.”
As for the locally sourced beets, Lee said they will be available in March.
IN OTHER NEWS
“I’ve done a lot of research and all the movies show that fat shaming is the most effective way to make those little bastards lose a few pounds.”
"If only Trump and Muslim refugees could sit down at the negotiating table and enjoy a bowl of Pizza Twist Macaroni..."
"I didn’t choose to want to fuck Paul Ryan. It’s just the way I am."
"Governor Reuben won a landslide victory to become the state’s first Toasted-American governor."
The study found that "no genitalia" also discouraged intercourse.
"Without a trigger warning, we have no way of knowing when a British journalist is about to have his guts spilled out onto the desert floor."
"Past tweets included personal attacks on Washington officials, celebrities, and random citizens from Indiana..."
"I’m sure this news will be met with disappointment."