UPPER WEST SIDE, MANHATTAN – President Lee Bollinger announced in a press release last Thursday that the School of General Studies will be sold for scrap metal at the end of the academic year.
Bollinger cited financial constraints as the primary motivation for the sale. “General Studies was a noble experiment,” Bollinger said. “But the numbers just don’t add up. And frankly, every other week I have to listen to some studious mom complain about having to choose between buying her kids shoes and covering textbook rentals. It gets really tiring after a while. In the end, I think the quick cash we’ll make from the extra metal might do more for the community than GS ever could.”
But finances are not Bollinger’s only concern. “Seeing older students around campus has been making me really uncomfortable recently,” he said. “I see them and think, ‘you’re 47. Aren’t you a little old to be taking University Writing?’”
The announcement has been met with a mixed response from the General Studies Community. “It’s really a shame,” said Jennifer Farnham, GS ‘18. “General Studies has given me so much. At the same time, it’s hard to argue with all that top-shelf American steel.”
The university has not seen such an influx in scrap metal since it received Henry Moore’s sculpture “Reclining Figure.” While there has been no official word as to what will be done with the metal, unconfirmed reports suggest it will be used to build a new back door to the university.
IN OTHER NEWS
"In an increasingly interconnected world, we at the Office of Global Programs are hoping that a trip up to Union Theological Seminary or down into Lehman can be reframed as its own rich adventure!"
"I thought it was frankly irresponsible that the tour guide failed to mention even one location in which my son could find himself bucking the wild white pony at 3:15pm on a Wednesday afternoon."
"His previous experience transporting souls across the river Styx to the world of the dead was eye-opening; he is just impeccably qualified to take the reins of our institution’s cherished nursing home.”
"The problem at hand is obviously upbringing, as Manny seems to be totally unaware of the established rules governing my society."
"The freshman is now able to efficiently balance his time between understanding the ethics of Hellenistic culture, and informing all of his recent sexual partners that they should get tested."
"I usually make a point of not opening emails from students. Any response within a month or so just makes them feel entitled, and besides, direct student-faculty conduct is a lawsuit waiting to happen."
"Just what I need to deliver an understated, disinterested broadcast."
I could’ve sworn I heard my RA saying something about stopping by Duane Reade to ‘pick up a few things.’ Who knows what that could mean?”
"I am so disturbed by these recent developments within our school environment that I may transfer to a college where the football team still sucks, like Cornell."