UPPER WEST SIDE, MANHATTAN – President Lee Bollinger announced in a press release last Thursday that the School of General Studies will be sold for scrap metal at the end of the academic year.
Bollinger cited financial constraints as the primary motivation for the sale. “General Studies was a noble experiment,” Bollinger said. “But the numbers just don’t add up. And frankly, every other week I have to listen to some studious mom complain about having to choose between buying her kids shoes and covering textbook rentals. It gets really tiring after a while. In the end, I think the quick cash we’ll make from the extra metal might do more for the community than GS ever could.”
But finances are not Bollinger’s only concern. “Seeing older students around campus has been making me really uncomfortable recently,” he said. “I see them and think, ‘you’re 47. Aren’t you a little old to be taking University Writing?’”
The announcement has been met with a mixed response from the General Studies Community. “It’s really a shame,” said Jennifer Farnham, GS ‘18. “General Studies has given me so much. At the same time, it’s hard to argue with all that top-shelf American steel.”
The university has not seen such an influx in scrap metal since it received Henry Moore’s sculpture “Reclining Figure.” While there has been no official word as to what will be done with the metal, unconfirmed reports suggest it will be used to build a new back door to the university.
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Y’all remember when rainbows were for finding pots of gold?
She is distraught that Joey has not responded to her calls for weeks about his care package and that nice girl from Bacchanal.
You can’t be emasculated by this guy. He’s got a ponytail, 1970s aviator glasses, and pink socks under his L. L. Bean boots.
Sixth Floor: PART OF THE COLUMBIA CS CLUB
Seventh Floor: PROFOUND AND EVERLASTING LONELINESS
Eighth Floor: WRITES FOR SPEC
For your reference, a good rule of thumb for networking is that, if Mo Bamba played in the background for 75% of our conversation, I probably don’t intend to strike up a professional relationship.
“Now, the dipshit’s gone and pissed off Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with the Thousand Young,” Core professor Ricardo Hernandez said.
In his concluding remarks, Bollinger made a surprising revelation: “I have been notified by my ancestors that all lands previously inhabited by the Lenape people have been granted to me, personally.”
Otis Wofford, CC ’22, expressed his discontent with the decision. “Women, men and gender non-conforming folks being a part of the same institution? The social justice warriors are out of control.”
At first we thought our challenges wouldn’t be insurmountable. We thought that with discipline, resolve, and a heavy dose of hard work, Spec would persevere.
But then came the op-eds.