UPPER WEST SIDE, MANHATTAN – President Lee Bollinger announced in a press release last Thursday that the School of General Studies will be sold for scrap metal at the end of the academic year.
Bollinger cited financial constraints as the primary motivation for the sale. “General Studies was a noble experiment,” Bollinger said. “But the numbers just don’t add up. And frankly, every other week I have to listen to some studious mom complain about having to choose between buying her kids shoes and covering textbook rentals. It gets really tiring after a while. In the end, I think the quick cash we’ll make from the extra metal might do more for the community than GS ever could.”
But finances are not Bollinger’s only concern. “Seeing older students around campus has been making me really uncomfortable recently,” he said. “I see them and think, ‘you’re 47. Aren’t you a little old to be taking University Writing?’”
The announcement has been met with a mixed response from the General Studies Community. “It’s really a shame,” said Jennifer Farnham, GS ‘18. “General Studies has given me so much. At the same time, it’s hard to argue with all that top-shelf American steel.”
The university has not seen such an influx in scrap metal since it received Henry Moore’s sculpture “Reclining Figure.” While there has been no official word as to what will be done with the metal, unconfirmed reports suggest it will be used to build a new back door to the university.
IN OTHER NEWS
"After all, he was pretty sure that they have the exact same nutritional content as regular cucumbers. Probably right? Doesn't matter."
According to witnesses, the last words he uttered before chugging his sixth Bud Light and stumbling out the door were, “Imma bout to send it.”
"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"
"Jeez, I bet I look pretty ridiculous right about now."
"Also, impending North Korean nuclear annihilation."
"We wish that we had not framed our Tamagotchi as an accessory to a triple homicide so as to relieve ourselves of the responsibilities of parenthood."
"Many believe that Michael Phelps would have brought home even more hardware had he not been injured in an attack orchestrated by Tonya Harding’s ex-husband Jeff Gillooly."
"In the absence of any real personality, our midwestern students sometimes struggle to find their niche on campus, and must resort to misguidedly boasting about their native climate."
"Coach, I get the game plan. When can we go out there and get this thing going?"