UPPER WEST SIDE, MANHATTAN – President Lee Bollinger announced in a press release last Thursday that the School of General Studies will be sold for scrap metal at the end of the academic year.
Bollinger cited financial constraints as the primary motivation for the sale. “General Studies was a noble experiment,” Bollinger said. “But the numbers just don’t add up. And frankly, every other week I have to listen to some studious mom complain about having to choose between buying her kids shoes and covering textbook rentals. It gets really tiring after a while. In the end, I think the quick cash we’ll make from the extra metal might do more for the community than GS ever could.”
But finances are not Bollinger’s only concern. “Seeing older students around campus has been making me really uncomfortable recently,” he said. “I see them and think, ‘you’re 47. Aren’t you a little old to be taking University Writing?’”
The announcement has been met with a mixed response from the General Studies Community. “It’s really a shame,” said Jennifer Farnham, GS ‘18. “General Studies has given me so much. At the same time, it’s hard to argue with all that top-shelf American steel.”
The university has not seen such an influx in scrap metal since it received Henry Moore’s sculpture “Reclining Figure.” While there has been no official word as to what will be done with the metal, unconfirmed reports suggest it will be used to build a new back door to the university.
IN OTHER NEWS
“We engage with ideas from all over the world; Italy, Germany, France, England, New England…How could anyone still think that way after such an education?”
“I mean, I’m very socially progressive and pro-sex and everything,” Carrie’s roommate Charlotte explains, “but come on, I need to get into my room sometimes to change my shirt or take my gummy vitamins.
“Because I have integrity, because I have principles, I won’t be selling out anytime soon,” said a triumphant Emerson. “I’ll be out there in the trenches, living in a dumpy apartment in Queens.”
“Jeffrey has shown that through determination, kindness, and avoiding all conversations about abortion and military action, General Studies students can fit right in here,” said a school representative.
“I want to be forthright. Yes, as Dining Director of John Jay, I made a deal with Big Bean, just like Ferris signed exclusivity agreements with Inedible Broccoli and Lukewarm Yogurt,” he said in a statement.
“Three weeks went by, and not a word from anyone. Just yesterday I received an email from President Bollinger telling me to ‘keep up the great work!’”, said Columbia Housing Executive Director Joyce Jackson.
Perhaps the union is being selfish. Why should their right to proper compensation and treatment as employees supercede my mild curiosity as to what would happen without TAs to proctor my exam?
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
In response to the news, Associate Director of Residential Life Scott Helfrich told the Federalist: “The safety of our undergraduate students is our top concern. But if students decide to act irresponsibly and binge-drink in their dorms, it isn’t our fault that they’re lightweights.”