WASHINGTON, D.C. - Returning home from the National Policy Institute's Alt-Right conference on Tuesday, white supremacist and nationally noted asshole Richard Spencer retracted some of his most incendiary remarks. These parts of Spencer's speech garnered national attention after CNN posted a headline crawl touting the debate over whether Jews are human.

"Wait. If Jews aren't people, then who's doing my taxes?" Spencer wondered to a colleague, witnesses said. "Man, if Ari weren't on top of those returns they'd be totally fakakta."

Before boarding his flight back to Montana, Spencer reportedly could be heard explaining: "Listen, I hate the Jews as much as the next guy. But I don't want to be schvitzing about my 401k come April 15th."

IN OTHER NEWS

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Oct 18, 2018

Op-Ed: Having To Go To My Classes is Fascism

Oct 18, 2018

For too long the bourgeois registrar has had its boot on the neck of the genteel undergrad, mandating that students “attend their classes,” lest they “fail” them and run the “risk” of “delaying” their “graduation”.

Oct 18, 2018

Oct 17, 2018

Boarding School Student Unsure What to Do With All His Ties

Oct 17, 2018

He did decide to leave a number of his ties at home, packing only twenty-four.

Oct 17, 2018

Oct 14, 2018

Future Promoter Recognizes His Calling After Signing Girls Into EC

Oct 14, 2018

“I remember watching them prance toward the elevator, ready to chug six Voda shots and pass out behind a kitchen counter, and thinking, ‘I made this happen.’”

Oct 14, 2018

Oct 11, 2018

GS Student in Seminar Must Have Killed a Man To Be This Confident

Oct 11, 2018

“From the way he interrupted the professor repeatedly, I could tell that he had, on multiple occasions, slipped a knife into another man’s neck without remorse.”

Oct 11, 2018

Oct 10, 2018

Freshman Thought He'd Be Having More Sex By Now

Oct 10, 2018

“Our studies have shown that over 84% of freshman boys assume they will walk right into a vagina their first night on campus, even if they are wearing Crocs and socks,” said an advisor at the student life department.

Oct 10, 2018

Oct 9, 2018

President Bollinger Gentrifies Wife’s Side of the Bed

Oct 9, 2018

“As University President, I require ample space for Columbia’s mission to grow, and for me to spread out at night and read the Audi owner’s manual.”

Oct 9, 2018

Oct 6, 2018

Gulati Disentangles Ballsack on the Go Using Invisible Hand

Oct 6, 2018

Oct 2, 2018

CPS Replaces Counselors With a 24-Hour Loop of “Mamma Mia!”

Oct 2, 2018

“For some reason, students seemed dissatisfied with our nonexistent appointment times, emotionally unavailable staff, and imposing bureaucratic system.”

Oct 2, 2018

Sep 4, 2018

International Students Prepare for Another 9 Months of Clubbing

Sep 4, 2018

“Going to school in Manhattan guarantees a jam-packed schedule of posing for group pictures, spending $300 on bottle service, and Juuling on the Le Bain terrace.”

Sep 4, 2018