WASHINGTON, D.C. - Returning home from the National Policy Institute's Alt-Right conference on Tuesday, white supremacist and nationally noted asshole Richard Spencer retracted some of his most incendiary remarks. These parts of Spencer's speech garnered national attention after CNN posted a headline crawl touting the debate over whether Jews are human.
"Wait. If Jews aren't people, then who's doing my taxes?" Spencer wondered to a colleague, witnesses said. "Man, if Ari weren't on top of those returns they'd be totally fakakta."
Before boarding his flight back to Montana, Spencer reportedly could be heard explaining: "Listen, I hate the Jews as much as the next guy. But I don't want to be schvitzing about my 401k come April 15th."
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"Because while ole Jeffy-Jeff did some pretty bad things, if we focus just on those we lose the big picture - a vibrant canvas which clearly shows that as a society, we can learn a great deal from this man."
"The two girls, who refer to themselves collectively as '704,' their room number, have begun the semester with conflicting class schedules."
"Modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality..."
"Soon, sweetheart," cooed the 54-year-old professor's mother . "It'll come sooner if you fall asleep."
"I personally find it to be a very spiritual journey, as I pass the same Olive Tree Deli and Columbia Barber shop my forefathers passed years ago."
“This is Kimiko, my waifu,” said the Dean, switching tabs to a hi-res image of a scantily clad, huge-eyed vixen with gravity-defying breasts.
"Coach kept telling us, ‘Guys, you’re a damn talented group, and I know you can win games. You gotta stay focused on winning! Because if you keep losing, you’re gonna know the sting inside my spanking tent.’"
"Something about those cute little faces just gets me going about how much better public torture would work out than our current broken justice system when considering the utilitarian calculus."
“It’s just so unhealthy,” said Jablonsky, whose grandfather trekked across Europe with just two potatoes in his battered rucksack to catch a passage to America. “Too much saturated fat. And, oh God, the salt.”