CARMAN - In Carman 308, a frenzy of activity erupted as Neil Purri CC’20 began racing around the room—shoving items under the bed, ripping things off the walls, and leaving a trail of general destruction in his wake. When his confused suitemates stopped him to ask why he was acting so erratically, Purri uttered a single word with fear in his eyes: “Parents.”
Despite his well-established playboy daredevil ways, Purri could be seen quickly taking down and hiding such essential room staples as a life-sized cutout of Jennifer Lopez in a string bikini, an enormous “Saturdays Are For the Boys” sign, and the “Bongzilla” pole-mounted ten tube drinking funnel proudly displayed in the center of the room.
He even made his roommate take down his Budweiser posters, though claiming that this was from a concern for showcasing a unified room aesthetic and not from a concern for any implication in alcohol-related matters.
When asked whether or not, in light of this cleaning, he really planned to keep the forty empty beer cans he’d arranged into a pyramidal display to showcase his wild lifestyle, Purri declined to comment. However, witnesses later reported seeing his mother discover them hidden in a cabinet and hearing him desperately deny all knowledge of them. He insisted that they probably belonged to a “prior resident who clearly didn’t understand the many dangers of teen drinking."
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“If this is what it takes to mend the racial scars of American society, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Greenwood.
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
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