CARMAN - In Carman 308, a frenzy of activity erupted as Neil Purri CC’20 began racing around the room—shoving items under the bed, ripping things off the walls, and leaving a trail of general destruction in his wake. When his confused suitemates stopped him to ask why he was acting so erratically, Purri uttered a single word with fear in his eyes: “Parents.”
Despite his well-established playboy daredevil ways, Purri could be seen quickly taking down and hiding such essential room staples as a life-sized cutout of Jennifer Lopez in a string bikini, an enormous “Saturdays Are For the Boys” sign, and the “Bongzilla” pole-mounted ten tube drinking funnel proudly displayed in the center of the room.
He even made his roommate take down his Budweiser posters, though claiming that this was from a concern for showcasing a unified room aesthetic and not from a concern for any implication in alcohol-related matters.
When asked whether or not, in light of this cleaning, he really planned to keep the forty empty beer cans he’d arranged into a pyramidal display to showcase his wild lifestyle, Purri declined to comment. However, witnesses later reported seeing his mother discover them hidden in a cabinet and hearing him desperately deny all knowledge of them. He insisted that they probably belonged to a “prior resident who clearly didn’t understand the many dangers of teen drinking."
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"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"
"Jeez, I bet I look pretty ridiculous right about now."
"Many believe that Michael Phelps would have brought home even more hardware had he not been injured in an attack orchestrated by Tonya Harding’s ex-husband Jeff Gillooly."
"Coach, I get the game plan. When can we go out there and get this thing going?"
"As of press time, the research team reported they had gotten 'blitzed' off of $7 vodka and had just purchased tickets to a Dave Matthews reunion tour show."
“Honestly, after spending twenty minutes trying to find the Allen wrench I dropped under the couch, I’ve realized he was a terrible father."
6. My younger brother.
4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.