BARREN CRATER, 116TH & BROADWAY - Following the announcement of her resignation, Debora Spar, President of Barnard College, gave an interview to a small group of reporters on Sunday to discuss her legacy.
“Maggie the Magnolia is dead,” the steel-faced, emotionless Spar declared. “There are no more trees to kill. My work here is done.”
Next March, Spar will leave her position as president of Barnard College to become the 10th leader of Lincoln Center.
“I’ve always been a champion of the arts,” explained Spar. “Once, when I was writing a check, I’m fairly certain that I saw a painting out of the corner of my eye. It was not displeasing.”
Spar, who has served as Barnard’s president since 2008, has presided over an impressive list of milestones for the college. During her tenure, Spar demolished a library and left a gaping hole in its place, promoted plastic surgery and botox as a method for women to maintain their dignity, and begrudgingly allowed Barnard to become the last of the Seven Sister Colleges to adopt a transgender policy.
“In a way, Lincoln Center is like a tree, and I will drive it into the ground,” said Spar. “Now get the fuck off my campus.”
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“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
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“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
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