Fear rippled through the Columbia community last week after James McShane reported in an email that a student had been robbed of his laptop after leaving it Butler for 9 days.
Daniel Crowder, CC ‘19, says he left the laptop on a table in Butler 209 when he went to the bathroom. And when he returned, a mere 215 hours later, the laptop was gone.
“I usually ask the nearest girl to watch my stuff. But since I knew I wasn’t going to be gone for long, I decided just to leave it unattended.”
Police are on the case, but have yet determined whether the laptop, along with Mr. Crowder’s Calculus I problem sets and Lit Hum notebook, were stolen or were just thrown out.
Other students expressed shock at the state of affairs in the library.
“Is nothing sacred?” said Jesse Han, SEAS ‘19. “If we can’t leave piles of schoolwork in Butler for weeks on end, then what even is the point of the library?
IN OTHER NEWS
4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.
"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"
"Just what I need to deliver an understated, disinterested broadcast."
"I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut."
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.