DODGE GYM - In a contrite move in response to the recently leaked GroupMe messages, the Columbia University wrestling team has announced that it will “no longer allow dirty snitches onto the team.”
“We hope that with this new policy, we will be able to better cultivate an external image of respect,” Columbia Wrestling Coach Adrian Barth stated. “Without the fear of being tattled on, we expect the team to be able to reach new heights in unbiased and unentitled appearance.”
“We also will not be allowing onto the team any gays, students of color, or straight dudes who can’t get their dicks sucked,” Barth added.
With this new policy, the Columbia community has been left wondering whether any of the current members will be allowed back onto the team come spring.
IN OTHER N
"That's a really gracious offer, and I do appreciate it -- but for the time being, I will have to pass."
"This is a sign. I'm really going to graduate at the top of my class!" proclaimed pre-frosh Ji Hong Lee, mere months before he will pitch a sad, little tent in Riverside Park.
"I've been good this week, and I should treat myself," said Freddy Simone, 25, after seven days spent doing the bare minimum at his job.
While undergrads are provided with all of the resources necessary for safe sex (twin beds, unlubricated condoms, inconsistent erections) high school students are offered all of these resources, in addition to sexually suggestive lanyards.
Mr. Ducovich was unfazed by the water; he removed his “Grill Master” t-shirt, and eagerly waded to the pool’s deep end. “Kids, don’t listen to your mother, it’s actually really refreshing,” he said.
“We realized no grocer in the nation gives customers the choice of whether to bid or buy now, which made us think: ‘Why not let people enter bidding wars for that last dry Lo Mein under the heating lamp?’”
"Not saying I wanted the full sabotage apparatus, but a few measly articles about Obama’s forged birth certificate would have really come in handy when Sarah Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper.”
"If you have the border wall, you already have the two countries. Problem solved."
President Trump discreetly spat gum into his paper, before crumpling it and stuffing it in the Wall.