DODGE GYM - In a contrite move in response to the recently leaked GroupMe messages, the Columbia University wrestling team has announced that it will “no longer allow dirty snitches onto the team.”
“We hope that with this new policy, we will be able to better cultivate an external image of respect,” Columbia Wrestling Coach Adrian Barth stated. “Without the fear of being tattled on, we expect the team to be able to reach new heights in unbiased and unentitled appearance.”
“We also will not be allowing onto the team any gays, students of color, or straight dudes who can’t get their dicks sucked,” Barth added.
With this new policy, the Columbia community has been left wondering whether any of the current members will be allowed back onto the team come spring.
IN OTHER N
“We realized no grocer in the nation gives customers the choice of whether to bid or buy now, which made us think: ‘Why not let people enter bidding wars for that last dry Lo Mein under the heating lamp?’”
"Not saying I wanted the full sabotage apparatus, but a few measly articles about Obama’s forged birth certificate would have really come in handy when Sarah Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper.”
"If you have the border wall, you already have the two countries. Problem solved."
President Trump discreetly spat gum into his paper, before crumpling it and stuffing it in the Wall.
"The complete eradication of the farm, totaled at 227 ants, was initially attributed to the 13 days the package spent on a poorly ventilated, sunless shelf in Wien, during which time Michaels reportedly attempted to muster up the testicular fortitude to interact with the package staffer."
"Let me bury my secrets deep inside that expensive leather man-bag you keep strapped to your lanky midwestern frame."
"These people don’t speak English and no one here has watched Stranger Things."
"President Lee Bollinger cited the organization’s 'lack of transparency' and 'ethics concerns' as incongruous with the university’s vision."
“We water the soil with broken dreams, fertilize it with internship offers, and voila, out they come.”