DODGE GYM - In a contrite move in response to the recently leaked GroupMe messages, the Columbia University wrestling team has announced that it will “no longer allow dirty snitches onto the team.”
“We hope that with this new policy, we will be able to better cultivate an external image of respect,” Columbia Wrestling Coach Adrian Barth stated. “Without the fear of being tattled on, we expect the team to be able to reach new heights in unbiased and unentitled appearance.”
“We also will not be allowing onto the team any gays, students of color, or straight dudes who can’t get their dicks sucked,” Barth added.
With this new policy, the Columbia community has been left wondering whether any of the current members will be allowed back onto the team come spring.
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"He also harassed passing male pigeons, asking if they would be his wing men."
"I mean, it's definitely a tough situation they've got over there."
"The great thing about this program is that it’s in English, so I won’t have to waste any time learning a language I’ll never use."
“I’ve done a lot of research and all the movies show that fat shaming is the most effective way to make those little bastards lose a few pounds.”
"Needless to say, somebody’s getting an A in participation.”
"According to authorities, Crowthers timed her exit of the gym perfectly with the early rush of students harmlessly making their way to 8:40 classes across campus."