HAMILTON - Sociology TA Eleanor Gimble, a 5th year grad student, reportedly waited patiently for Jared “that kid” Rodriguez CC' 19, to answer a simple question regarding the shortest reading assigned to the class that week. Rodriguez, according to reports from classmates, played with the notion of letting the other students take a crack at the answer before just handling it himself.
"Thank god for Jared," said Gimble commenting on the nature of the class. "He's the only one of these kids that doesn't realize how pointless this all is. Most of them have figured out that this part of their grade is pass/fail at best. Besides, most of them probably don't even know what I look like. Christ, when I asked that question I even flirted with the idea of looking around the room, but I think who am I kidding. If he wants it that bad, let him have it."
Classmate Olivia Wilkins, BC '20, said, "If it weren't for him we'd have to accept that, even at a top-level school, the students aren't motivated to do much more than stare at their feet during class. Did I mention that this is my major?"
Speaking to reporters, Rodriguez said: "Basically, I do the readings to stand out in the 300-hundred person lecture, you know? The other day, Dr. Walinski [the lecturer] glanced right at me when he said the word 'inequality' and I just felt reincarnated. He's really an inspiration to me."
In response, Gimble rolled her eyes. "Walinski hasn’t even done the readings. The other TA's and I have made every powerpoint for this class, and he doesn't even pronounce a lot of the key terms correctly."
IN OTHER NEWS
"That's a really gracious offer, and I do appreciate it -- but for the time being, I will have to pass."
"This is a sign. I'm really going to graduate at the top of my class!" proclaimed pre-frosh Ji Hong Lee, mere months before he will pitch a sad, little tent in Riverside Park.
"I've been good this week, and I should treat myself," said Freddy Simone, 25, after seven days spent doing the bare minimum at his job.
While undergrads are provided with all of the resources necessary for safe sex (twin beds, unlubricated condoms, inconsistent erections) high school students are offered all of these resources, in addition to sexually suggestive lanyards.
Mr. Ducovich was unfazed by the water; he removed his “Grill Master” t-shirt, and eagerly waded to the pool’s deep end. “Kids, don’t listen to your mother, it’s actually really refreshing,” he said.
“We realized no grocer in the nation gives customers the choice of whether to bid or buy now, which made us think: ‘Why not let people enter bidding wars for that last dry Lo Mein under the heating lamp?’”
"Not saying I wanted the full sabotage apparatus, but a few measly articles about Obama’s forged birth certificate would have really come in handy when Sarah Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper.”
"If you have the border wall, you already have the two countries. Problem solved."
President Trump discreetly spat gum into his paper, before crumpling it and stuffing it in the Wall.