Like so many other freshman here at Columbia University, Tony Liu endured high school under the watch of a helicopter mom. Weekends were highly structured and free time was limited. Though Tony left for his first semester of college with the hopes of being able to escape this pressure and find a healthy balance of work and play, his mother has yet to curtail her surveillance.
This newspaper arranged an interview with Liu on Low Steps.
“CAN YOU HEAR ME?” screamed Liu over the roar of the helicopter hovering thirty feet above his head at all times. His mother waved to the Federalist from the cockpit. “I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS ALL DAY,” Liu lamented.
His mother produced a bullhorn above our heads. “Tony, make sure to say ‘thank you’ for the interview.”
When asked, Mrs. Liu justified her actions through the bullhorn: “I don’t care how old my son is, I will always watch over him and make sure that he will become a successful doctor.”
Unable to remedy the situation, Tony has decided to accept the fact that he can’t escape. “I GUESS IT WILL HELP ME BE MORE SUCCESSFUL,” said Liu. “PLUS, NOW THAT MY FAMILY HAS TO PAY FOR THIS HELICOPTER SOMEHOW, I SUPPOSE I WILL HAVE TO BECOME A DOCTOR.”
IN OTHER NEWS
4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.
"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"
"Just what I need to deliver an understated, disinterested broadcast."
"I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut."
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.