Debora Spar, President of Barnard College, announced her resignation today after discovering that the school is not, in fact, a corporation. A transcript of her realization can be found below.
IN OTHER NEWS
"The two girls, who refer to themselves collectively as '704,' their room number, have begun the semester with conflicting class schedules."
"Modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality..."
4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.
"Soon, sweetheart," cooed the 54-year-old professor's mother . "It'll come sooner if you fall asleep."
"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"
"Wont thy scuchmachine to chinwagin me, yon the babe gosling (UUUWK kweouk UUUWK kweouk?) roasts sur the cripplecrappletendercackle and we setten."
"I personally find it to be a very spiritual journey, as I pass the same Olive Tree Deli and Columbia Barber shop my forefathers passed years ago."
“This is Kimiko, my waifu,” said the Dean, switching tabs to a hi-res image of a scantily clad, huge-eyed vixen with gravity-defying breasts.