SCHERMERHORN - Brandon Lee CC ’20 is suing Columbia University, alleging that he has suffered cruel and unusual punishment on a weekly basis as a student in Frontiers of Science.
Lee, a physics major, says the course material was rudimentary to the point of being torturous. “I thought we were just warming up when the professor asked us how science made us feel,” Lee says. “I didn’t realize that question made up the bulk of the course syllabus. A man can only take so much.”
Lee says that while the course may have been interesting for his feeble-minded humanities counterparts, for him it was useless – and painfully so. “If the hardest class you’re taking is medieval military history, maybe memorizing parts of the brain might be challenging for you. But I’m in honors physics. So to me, FroSci is more useless than my nipples.”
When asked to respond to Lee’s allegations that Frontiers of Science is not challenging enough, Columbia College Dean James Valentini said that many humanities majors couldn’t handle a more rigorous science course. “What you must realize is that we take beginner’s mind very literally here. Even though most students got 5’s on all their AP science exams, after coming to Columbia many of them suddenly started to suck at math and science,” Valentini said. “They had to rid their brains of formulas to make room for more important things like Montaigne and Machiavelli–they’re humanities students now. If we made the course any harder they might get a little stressed.”
IN OTHER NEWS
“We realized no grocer in the nation gives customers the choice of whether to bid or buy now, which made us think: ‘Why not let people enter bidding wars for that last dry Lo Mein under the heating lamp?’”
"Not saying I wanted the full sabotage apparatus, but a few measly articles about Obama’s forged birth certificate would have really come in handy when Sarah Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper.”
"If you have the border wall, you already have the two countries. Problem solved."
President Trump discreetly spat gum into his paper, before crumpling it and stuffing it in the Wall.
"Let me bury my secrets deep inside that expensive leather man-bag you keep strapped to your lanky midwestern frame."
"These people don’t speak English and no one here has watched Stranger Things."
"'Bucko’, ‘champ’, ‘squirt’, ‘Ralph Waldo Emerson’ and even ‘slutbag’ have been names used by Mr. Connelly to refer to his son."
"When I finally ran into her standing in sweatpants and a boring green cardigan in front of Butler, she just looked like a mere mortal."