MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS - Along with demands for control over stipend distribution, improved health coverage and “use of the laundry machines in Wallach," the newly-formed Graduate Student Union has released a statement demanding that Columbia supply them with access to real jobs.
“It's a question of egalitarianism in the top down structure of the university,” said Martha Freer GSAS ‘18, a graduate student speaking on behalf of the union. “It’s time for the administration to accept that we have rights. And among those rights is the need for a real job, a job suited to an adult who made better life choices than I did.”
"I once applied for a job at Hooters," said Slavic Studies Ph.D. candidate Anthony Grander. "I didn't even get an interview."
Another graduate student, a doctoral candidate in the field of Gender, Sexuality, and Vaginas, Rachel Sinclair, has, in the face of his lack of meaningful employment, turned to alternative means to find fulfillment -- and to fulfill others.
"I don't really consider myself a prostitute," Sinclair insists. "I mean, technically being a sugar baby doesn't require you to have sex with your sugar daddy. It does pay more, though—I mean, I've heard that it pays more. I'd never do that kind of thing. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I feel like I’m able to really touch people in this line of work and at the end of the day that’s what really matters."
Sinclair has since given the popular app SeekingArrangement a five star review on the App Store.
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"That's a really gracious offer, and I do appreciate it -- but for the time being, I will have to pass."
"I've been good this week, and I should treat myself," said Freddy Simone, 25, after seven days spent doing the bare minimum at his job.
Mr. Ducovich was unfazed by the water; he removed his “Grill Master” t-shirt, and eagerly waded to the pool’s deep end. “Kids, don’t listen to your mother, it’s actually really refreshing,” he said.
“We realized no grocer in the nation gives customers the choice of whether to bid or buy now, which made us think: ‘Why not let people enter bidding wars for that last dry Lo Mein under the heating lamp?’”
"Not saying I wanted the full sabotage apparatus, but a few measly articles about Obama’s forged birth certificate would have really come in handy when Sarah Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper.”
"If you have the border wall, you already have the two countries. Problem solved."
President Trump discreetly spat gum into his paper, before crumpling it and stuffing it in the Wall.
"Let me bury my secrets deep inside that expensive leather man-bag you keep strapped to your lanky midwestern frame."
"These people don’t speak English and no one here has watched Stranger Things."