MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS - Along with demands for control over stipend distribution, improved health coverage and “use of the laundry machines in Wallach," the newly-formed Graduate Student Union has released a statement demanding that Columbia supply them with access to real jobs.
“It's a question of egalitarianism in the top down structure of the university,” said Martha Freer GSAS ‘18, a graduate student speaking on behalf of the union. “It’s time for the administration to accept that we have rights. And among those rights is the need for a real job, a job suited to an adult who made better life choices than I did.”
"I once applied for a job at Hooters," said Slavic Studies Ph.D. candidate Anthony Grander. "I didn't even get an interview."
Another graduate student, a doctoral candidate in the field of Gender, Sexuality, and Vaginas, Rachel Sinclair, has, in the face of his lack of meaningful employment, turned to alternative means to find fulfillment -- and to fulfill others.
"I don't really consider myself a prostitute," Sinclair insists. "I mean, technically being a sugar baby doesn't require you to have sex with your sugar daddy. It does pay more, though—I mean, I've heard that it pays more. I'd never do that kind of thing. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I feel like I’m able to really touch people in this line of work and at the end of the day that’s what really matters."
Sinclair has since given the popular app SeekingArrangement a five star review on the App Store.
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"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"
"Jeez, I bet I look pretty ridiculous right about now."
"Many believe that Michael Phelps would have brought home even more hardware had he not been injured in an attack orchestrated by Tonya Harding’s ex-husband Jeff Gillooly."
"Coach, I get the game plan. When can we go out there and get this thing going?"
"As of press time, the research team reported they had gotten 'blitzed' off of $7 vodka and had just purchased tickets to a Dave Matthews reunion tour show."
“Honestly, after spending twenty minutes trying to find the Allen wrench I dropped under the couch, I’ve realized he was a terrible father."
6. My younger brother.
4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.