With historic numbers of stray felines running rampant throughout Morningside Heights this weekend, Animal Control lacked the resources to keep up. Facing a vicious outbreak of drunk renditions of “A Thousand Miles,” the agency had little choice but to deploy an experimental group: Columbia frat boys and the crew team. “This was like nothing we’ve ever seen before,” said Phil Collins, a local Animal Control professional. “These felines have been travelling in grisly packs and puking all over each other.”
“The only way to lure the cats was to offer them what they sought: easy and average-looking guys,” Collins continued. “Who better to scope out stray pussy than a bro in an animal onesie?”
Taking the bait, the strays were corralled towards a “rager” in an impromptu Animal Control center set up in Beta house. Collins concluded, “We were very pleased with the results and hope to employ this tactic in the inevitable recurrence of this outbreak next year”.
IN OTHER NEWS
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Mr. Ducovich was unfazed by the water; he removed his “Grill Master” t-shirt, and eagerly waded to the pool’s deep end. “Kids, don’t listen to your mother, it’s actually really refreshing,” he said.
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"If you have the border wall, you already have the two countries. Problem solved."
President Trump discreetly spat gum into his paper, before crumpling it and stuffing it in the Wall.
"Let me bury my secrets deep inside that expensive leather man-bag you keep strapped to your lanky midwestern frame."
"These people don’t speak English and no one here has watched Stranger Things."
"'Bucko’, ‘champ’, ‘squirt’, ‘Ralph Waldo Emerson’ and even ‘slutbag’ have been names used by Mr. Connelly to refer to his son."