With historic numbers of stray felines running rampant throughout Morningside Heights this weekend, Animal Control lacked the resources to keep up. Facing a vicious outbreak of drunk renditions of “A Thousand Miles,” the agency had little choice but to deploy an experimental group: Columbia frat boys and the crew team. “This was like nothing we’ve ever seen before,” said Phil Collins, a local Animal Control professional. “These felines have been travelling in grisly packs and puking all over each other.”
“The only way to lure the cats was to offer them what they sought: easy and average-looking guys,” Collins continued. “Who better to scope out stray pussy than a bro in an animal onesie?”
Taking the bait, the strays were corralled towards a “rager” in an impromptu Animal Control center set up in Beta house. Collins concluded, “We were very pleased with the results and hope to employ this tactic in the inevitable recurrence of this outbreak next year”.
IN OTHER NEWS
“If this is what it takes to mend the racial scars of American society, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Greenwood.
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
"JACOB TREMBLAY, from the wonderful film ROOM, is now my son. Polls LOVE him already!"
You wear Goodwill; I wear Canada Goose.
"She came over this break and, I swear to God, was just ripping some of the fattest clouds I'd ever seen."
"What does it mean to be a police officer with thousands of devices installed in your body to assist in fighting crime when you also like dudes?"
"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"