With historic numbers of stray felines running rampant throughout Morningside Heights this weekend, Animal Control lacked the resources to keep up. Facing a vicious outbreak of drunk renditions of “A Thousand Miles,” the agency had little choice but to deploy an experimental group: Columbia frat boys and the crew team. “This was like nothing we’ve ever seen before,” said Phil Collins, a local Animal Control professional. “These felines have been travelling in grisly packs and puking all over each other.”
“The only way to lure the cats was to offer them what they sought: easy and average-looking guys,” Collins continued. “Who better to scope out stray pussy than a bro in an animal onesie?”
Taking the bait, the strays were corralled towards a “rager” in an impromptu Animal Control center set up in Beta house. Collins concluded, “We were very pleased with the results and hope to employ this tactic in the inevitable recurrence of this outbreak next year”.
IN OTHER NEWS
4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.
"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"
"Just what I need to deliver an understated, disinterested broadcast."
"I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut."
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.
“How will I find other casual sports fans who enjoy smoking a bowl or two?”