With historic numbers of stray felines running rampant throughout Morningside Heights this weekend, Animal Control lacked the resources to keep up. Facing a vicious outbreak of drunk renditions of “A Thousand Miles,” the agency had little choice but to deploy an experimental group: Columbia frat boys and the crew team. “This was like nothing we’ve ever seen before,” said Phil Collins, a local Animal Control professional. “These felines have been travelling in grisly packs and puking all over each other.”
“The only way to lure the cats was to offer them what they sought: easy and average-looking guys,” Collins continued. “Who better to scope out stray pussy than a bro in an animal onesie?”
Taking the bait, the strays were corralled towards a “rager” in an impromptu Animal Control center set up in Beta house. Collins concluded, “We were very pleased with the results and hope to employ this tactic in the inevitable recurrence of this outbreak next year”.
IN OTHER NEWS
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President Trump discreetly spat gum into his paper, before crumpling it and stuffing it in the Wall.
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