With historic numbers of stray felines running rampant throughout Morningside Heights this weekend, Animal Control lacked the resources to keep up. Facing a vicious outbreak of drunk renditions of “A Thousand Miles,” the agency had little choice but to deploy an experimental group: Columbia frat boys and the crew team. “This was like nothing we’ve ever seen before,” said Phil Collins, a local Animal Control professional. “These felines have been travelling in grisly packs and puking all over each other.”
“The only way to lure the cats was to offer them what they sought: easy and average-looking guys,” Collins continued. “Who better to scope out stray pussy than a bro in an animal onesie?”
Taking the bait, the strays were corralled towards a “rager” in an impromptu Animal Control center set up in Beta house. Collins concluded, “We were very pleased with the results and hope to employ this tactic in the inevitable recurrence of this outbreak next year”.
IN OTHER NEWS
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"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
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“How will I find other casual sports fans who enjoy smoking a bowl or two?”
"That's a really gracious offer, and I do appreciate it -- but for the time being, I will have to pass."
"I've been good this week, and I should treat myself," said Freddy Simone, 25, after seven days spent doing the bare minimum at his job.
Mr. Ducovich was unfazed by the water; he removed his “Grill Master” t-shirt, and eagerly waded to the pool’s deep end. “Kids, don’t listen to your mother, it’s actually really refreshing,” he said.
“We realized no grocer in the nation gives customers the choice of whether to bid or buy now, which made us think: ‘Why not let people enter bidding wars for that last dry Lo Mein under the heating lamp?’”
"Not saying I wanted the full sabotage apparatus, but a few measly articles about Obama’s forged birth certificate would have really come in handy when Sarah Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper.”