SOMEWHERE IN THE NORTHEAST CORNER OF CAMPUS – Petroleum engineering student Patrick Sullivan SEAS ‘18 has nobly decided to dedicate his body to science, coming to the conclusion that he can best serve humanity by harvesting the oil reserves all over his face.
“I’ve been experiencing embarrassing oil spills my entire life,” Sullivan lamented, “and with the crippling energy demands facing this country, I’ve decided to frack the fuck out of my face.”
Attracted by a lucrative drilling contract, British Petroleum launched a major effort to clean up the oil spills polluting Sullivan’s face. Asked for comment, a BP executive stated: “Wow, I mean this guy’s face is really a disaster. The kid’s forehead looks like the goddamned Gulf.”
Meanwhile, the local inhabitants of Patrick’s face—mainly whiteheads and blackheads—are not letting their voices go unheard, organizing in mass numbers to protest the new pipeline spanning Patrick’s face. The most contested zone has become Patrick’s nose, where violent demonstrations have broken out. “Stay off our ancestral facial features,” the acne proclaimed as it dejectedly migrated to Sullivan’s back.
At the same time, BP brought in Mark Wahlberg and a boatload of Proactive for the filming of Deepwater Horizon 2.
IN OTHER NEWS
“If this is what it takes to mend the racial scars of American society, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Greenwood.
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
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