SOMEWHERE IN THE NORTHEAST CORNER OF CAMPUS – Petroleum engineering student Patrick Sullivan SEAS ‘18 has nobly decided to dedicate his body to science, coming to the conclusion that he can best serve humanity by harvesting the oil reserves all over his face.
“I’ve been experiencing embarrassing oil spills my entire life,” Sullivan lamented, “and with the crippling energy demands facing this country, I’ve decided to frack the fuck out of my face.”
Attracted by a lucrative drilling contract, British Petroleum launched a major effort to clean up the oil spills polluting Sullivan’s face. Asked for comment, a BP executive stated: “Wow, I mean this guy’s face is really a disaster. The kid’s forehead looks like the goddamned Gulf.”
Meanwhile, the local inhabitants of Patrick’s face—mainly whiteheads and blackheads—are not letting their voices go unheard, organizing in mass numbers to protest the new pipeline spanning Patrick’s face. The most contested zone has become Patrick’s nose, where violent demonstrations have broken out. “Stay off our ancestral facial features,” the acne proclaimed as it dejectedly migrated to Sullivan’s back.
At the same time, BP brought in Mark Wahlberg and a boatload of Proactive for the filming of Deepwater Horizon 2.
IN OTHER NEWS
4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.
"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"
"Just what I need to deliver an understated, disinterested broadcast."
"I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut."
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.