• Home
  • On Campus
  • World
  • Dying Print Media
  • Archives
  • Join the Cult
  • Merchandise
  • Contact Us
Menu

The Federalist

Street Address
City, State, Zip
Phone Number
Columbia's Only Newspaper That Should Be Read

Columbia's only newspaper That Thinks Stress Culture is Culture

The Federalist

  • Home
  • On Campus
  • World
  • Dying Print Media
  • Archives
  • Join the Cult
  • Merchandise
  • Contact Us

President Bollinger to Commit Seppuku in Effort to De-Westernize Core

October 3, 2016 Nick Ribolla

MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS - Responding to growing concerns over the dominance of western texts in the Core, President Bollinger announced he will be committing the historic Japanese self-disembowelment ceremony of seppuku on the steps of Low Library this Friday.

“We’re committed to having our students engage with their class materials through a global lens,” said Bollinger. “What better way to broaden their perspectives than to slice open my abdomen and let my entrails pour out onto the cold, hard concrete?”

Several student groups have expressed concern over the ceremony. “We were shocked by the announcement,” Columbia’s Japanese Society told reporters Thursday. “Of all people, President Bollinger should know not to champion such a public display of cultural appropriation. The worst part is he’s probably going to half-ass it anyways.”

“It’s time for the administration to realize that this kind of token concession isn’t enough,” said Alex McKinney ‘18. “It’s one thing for a grown man to voluntarily disembowel himself in public. Taking real action is another.”

“Still, I’m excited by the possibility of neglecting to read works of authors from all around the world,” McKinney added.

“We’re enthusiastic about heading in this direction,” said James Valentini, Dean of Columbia College. “It’s a shame President Bollinger-sama won’t be around to see the progress we’ve made in a year’s time, but that’s just how the fortune cookie crumbles in higher education.”


 

IN OTHER NEWS

Home Blog
Report: Dig Inn Smell Getting Stronger by the Day
Apr 9, 2018
Report: Dig Inn Smell Getting Stronger by the Day
Apr 9, 2018

“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”

Apr 9, 2018
BREAKING: Barron Trump to Be Replaced by Adorable Actor Jacob Tremblay
Mar 22, 2018
BREAKING: Barron Trump to Be Replaced by Adorable Actor Jacob Tremblay
Mar 22, 2018

"JACOB TREMBLAY, from the wonderful film ROOM, is now my son. Polls LOVE him already!"

Mar 22, 2018
The Person Underneath the Canada Goose
Mar 19, 2018
The Person Underneath the Canada Goose
Mar 19, 2018

You wear Goodwill; I wear Canada Goose.

 

Mar 19, 2018
Report: Aunt Vapes Now
Mar 16, 2018
Report: Aunt Vapes Now
Mar 16, 2018

"She came over this break and, I swear to God, was just ripping some of the fattest clouds I'd ever seen."

Mar 16, 2018
Analysis: Is America Ready for a Gay Inspector Gadget?
Mar 5, 2018
Analysis: Is America Ready for a Gay Inspector Gadget?
Mar 5, 2018

"What does it mean to be a police officer with thousands of devices installed in your body to assist in fighting crime when you also like dudes?"

Mar 5, 2018
Wayne LaPierre Just Wants to Enjoy Valentine's Dinner with AR-15 in Peace
Feb 14, 2018
Wayne LaPierre Just Wants to Enjoy Valentine's Dinner with AR-15 in Peace
Feb 14, 2018

"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"

Feb 14, 2018
Cross Country Skier Going Uphill Feels Rather Silly
Feb 12, 2018
Cross Country Skier Going Uphill Feels Rather Silly
Feb 12, 2018

"Jeez, I bet I look pretty ridiculous right about now." 

Feb 12, 2018
The Fed's Top 5 Moments in Modern Olympic History
Feb 8, 2018
The Fed's Top 5 Moments in Modern Olympic History
Feb 8, 2018

"Many believe that Michael Phelps would have brought home even more hardware had he not been injured in an attack orchestrated by Tonya Harding’s ex-husband Jeff Gillooly."

Feb 8, 2018
Rob Gronkowski Interrupts Belichick's Halftime Speech To Ask When The Game Starts
Feb 4, 2018
Rob Gronkowski Interrupts Belichick's Halftime Speech To Ask When The Game Starts
Feb 4, 2018

"Coach, I get the game plan. When can we go out there and get this thing going?" 

Feb 4, 2018
In On Campus Tags October 2016, Fed
← Study: New World Order Not What It Used to BeALERT: Lee Bollinger Escapes from Captivity →
Summary Block
This is example content. Double-click here and select a page to feature its content. Learn more
Featured
Latest Article

About   ·   Contact Us   ·  Like Us On Facebook