MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS - Responding to growing concerns over the dominance of western texts in the Core, President Bollinger announced he will be committing the historic Japanese self-disembowelment ceremony of seppuku on the steps of Low Library this Friday.
“We’re committed to having our students engage with their class materials through a global lens,” said Bollinger. “What better way to broaden their perspectives than to slice open my abdomen and let my entrails pour out onto the cold, hard concrete?”
Several student groups have expressed concern over the ceremony. “We were shocked by the announcement,” Columbia’s Japanese Society told reporters Thursday. “Of all people, President Bollinger should know not to champion such a public display of cultural appropriation. The worst part is he’s probably going to half-ass it anyways.”
“It’s time for the administration to realize that this kind of token concession isn’t enough,” said Alex McKinney ‘18. “It’s one thing for a grown man to voluntarily disembowel himself in public. Taking real action is another.”
“Still, I’m excited by the possibility of neglecting to read works of authors from all around the world,” McKinney added.
“We’re enthusiastic about heading in this direction,” said James Valentini, Dean of Columbia College. “It’s a shame President Bollinger-sama won’t be around to see the progress we’ve made in a year’s time, but that’s just how the fortune cookie crumbles in higher education.”
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4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.
"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"
"Just what I need to deliver an understated, disinterested broadcast."
"I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut."
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.