MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS - Responding to growing concerns over the dominance of western texts in the Core, President Bollinger announced he will be committing the historic Japanese self-disembowelment ceremony of seppuku on the steps of Low Library this Friday.
“We’re committed to having our students engage with their class materials through a global lens,” said Bollinger. “What better way to broaden their perspectives than to slice open my abdomen and let my entrails pour out onto the cold, hard concrete?”
Several student groups have expressed concern over the ceremony. “We were shocked by the announcement,” Columbia’s Japanese Society told reporters Thursday. “Of all people, President Bollinger should know not to champion such a public display of cultural appropriation. The worst part is he’s probably going to half-ass it anyways.”
“It’s time for the administration to realize that this kind of token concession isn’t enough,” said Alex McKinney ‘18. “It’s one thing for a grown man to voluntarily disembowel himself in public. Taking real action is another.”
“Still, I’m excited by the possibility of neglecting to read works of authors from all around the world,” McKinney added.
“We’re enthusiastic about heading in this direction,” said James Valentini, Dean of Columbia College. “It’s a shame President Bollinger-sama won’t be around to see the progress we’ve made in a year’s time, but that’s just how the fortune cookie crumbles in higher education.”
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“If this is what it takes to mend the racial scars of American society, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Greenwood.
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
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